#1
Murderers
Rapists
Debtors
Face This

Face us now we've come to kill
For slaying our fathers on that hill
You'll pay in blood

Idle
Drunken
Stupid
Reckless

Outside our town you sleep content
We cross the river with dark intent
To take our vengance

Hows the pitchfork englishman?
Right through your heart
You should've stayed wide awake
But you were doomed from the start
You come into our country on your pillaging trip
But we take your lives late at night,
The sons of the dead.


Yeah. Pretty grim. It's 1514, the Scottish army was slaughtered at the battle of Flodden. An English group of soldiers were camping outside our town, so we killed them in their sleep

Any critiques? I'm willing to change them around, this probably isn't the final draft. I was think about a big guitar solo at the end of the song, because the tune in my head doesn't really have an ending.
#2
for some reason i love the first verse . overall i think this is well written . nothin at all that needs to be changed good job i say 8.5/10 . if u get a chance could u crit my song "climb the stairs and then watch yourself fall"
#3
Yeah, the first "verse"- it's not really a proper song in the conventional sense, but I still reckon my stuctures pretty good.
#4
i LIKE IT,THE FACT ITS BASED ON AN ACTUAL EVENT IS INTRIGING,"FREEEEEEEEEDOM!"
SOUNDS KILLER ,HOPE YOU GOT SOME HEAVY RIFFS FOR IT. MY LATEST IS "RAISING HELL" IF YOU WANT TO CRIT THAT.APRECIATED
#5
Quote by J.A.M
Murderers
Rapists
Debtors
Face This

Face us now we've come to kill
For slaying our fathers on that hill
You'll pay in blood

Idle
Drunken
Stupid
Reckless

Outside our town you sleep content
We cross the river with dark intent
To take our vengance

Hows the pitchfork englishman?
Right through your heart
You should've stayed wide awake
But you were doomed from the start
You come into our country on your pillaging trip
But we take your lives late at night,
The sons of the dead.


Yeah. Pretty grim. It's 1514, the Scottish army was slaughtered at the battle of Flodden. An English group of soldiers were camping outside our town, so we killed them in their sleep

Any critiques? I'm willing to change them around, this probably isn't the final draft. I was think about a big guitar solo at the end of the song, because the tune in my head doesn't really have an ending.


To be honest, aside from the obvious qualities that you display here, such as use of structure and terminology. The actually piece is far too blunt, discounting the fact that the act itself was blunt and such a piece does reflect that. I felt that perhaps a more subtle approach may have lingered longer in the memory. Anyone can write a dark piece, with a few bloody images, it takes more skill to build an atmosphere. Which is pretty much all I think this piece lacks. You've got a point and you made it too soon.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
great piece!

Idle
Drunken
Stupid
Reckless

Outside our town you sleep content
We cross the river with dark intent
To take our vengance

that's my favorite part. you have great choice of words throughout the song. 8.5/10. amazing.
B.C. RICH
#7
Thanks to everybody for commenting, especially The Hurt Within;
To be honest, aside from the obvious qualities that you display here, such as use of structure and terminology. The actually piece is far too blunt, discounting the fact that the act itself was blunt and such a piece does reflect that. I felt that perhaps a more subtle approach may have lingered longer in the memory. Anyone can write a dark piece, with a few bloody images, it takes more skill to build an atmosphere. Which is pretty much all I think this piece lacks. You've got a point and you made it too soon.

Ok, I understand. How do you suggest I build atmosphere?
#8
The only good part for me is the sentence "You'll pay in blood". I loved this sentence. But the whole thing doesn't fit, at least for me. Keep on, dude.
#9
Well atmosphere comes from the audience seeing the scenario, and being able to picture the scene, so I'd start with at least describing some sort of scenery, as you do use moody adjectives: use words that evoke emotion, looming/threatening etc...basically its all about your diction reflecting the feelings of the characters, as they cant directly convey it themselves.

Then theres the obvious lines like "Right through your heart" that steal all the atmosphere, because they sound best suited to an American remake of a Japanese classic horror film.
Atmosphere is all about putting the scene into the readers mind through imagery.
Use metaphors and similes, they're the basic form of building imagery.

hope that kinda helped, if you need any further help PM me, or look up my MSN.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Sep 25, 2006,
#10
to regenerate the song now in all its magnifecence in my mind i feel the emotion that was possibly ploughed into this opus. the litteral stance achieved is noteworthy
#11
Changed some bits;

We know your there
We've heard you there
Out in fields near
Your


Idle
Drunken
Stupid
Reckless

Outside our town you sleep content
We cross the river with dark intent
To take our vengance

Murderers
Rapists
Debtors
Face This

Face us now we've come to kill
For slaying our fathers on that hill
You'll pay in blood

Hows the pitchfork englishman?
Pinning you to the earth
You should've stayed wide awake
But you were doomed from the start
You come into our country on your pillaging trip
But we take your lives
late at night,
The sons of the dead.
#12
Yeha thats better, just work on using more adjectives. Detail is key to atmosphere.

Also if you got time, could you check the carnations piece in my sig thanks,

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.