#1
So I'm not writing much at the moment, here's something that I kind of went over. It's far from my best, so I'm looking for helpful critiques to see what I could change, not just comments on if you like it or not, althogh they are welcome.

Critique for Critique

Enjoy


One hand holding a Carling black label
The other around this girl who's totally unstable
Your eyes on her chest, cos the rest is a mess
Oh a car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play

One eye on the door leading out to the night
The other on the clock on the wall to your right
Hands down by your side, wishing they were tied
Oh a car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play

How is it that it comes so easy to you
How come the girls do what you want them to
It's not your aftershave it's so not your spray
Teach me more about the game that your playing

But then again;
Is this really who you wanna go for
What about that brunnette over there,
Or that blonde by the door
Just someone who doesn't agree so easily
I bet you won't find one,
I bet you won't find one

How is it that it comes so easy to you
How come the girls do what you want them to
It's not your aftershave it's so not your spray
Teach me more about the game that your playing

One hand holding a can of Stella
The other wrapped around a girl who ain't got a fella
Single, sexy, not quite out of reach
A challenge then, though not one to preach
One to get to know before making the dive
Oh yes, she'll make you feel like that inside
A car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play

What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
#2
One hand holding a Carling black label
The other around this girl who's totally unstable
Your eyes on her chest, cos the rest is a mess
Oh a car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play
really good except for the last 2 lines . idk about them

One eye on the door leading out to the night
The other on the clock on the wall to your right
Hands down by your side, wishing they were tied
Oh a car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play
still not sure about the last 2 lines .other than that theres nothin u need to change

But then again;
Is this really who you wanna go for
What about that brunnette over there,
Or that blonde by the door
Just someone who doesn't agree so easily
I bet you won't find one,
I bet you won't find one
awesome verse . works sooo well witht the song

How is it that it comes so easy to you
How come the girls do what you want them to
It's not your aftershave it's so not your spray
Teach me more about the game that your playing
i think it should be . tell me more about the game that you play . i think it flows better

One hand holding a can of Stella
The other wrapped around a girl who ain't got a fella
Single, sexy, not quite out of reach
A challenge then, though not one to preach
One to get to know before making the dive
Oh yes, she'll make you feel like that inside
A car crash of a face but yet you expect
That just cos it's you, then it's in the bag
She'll fall tits over arse, or that's the plan anyway
You don't expect a fight, you just wanna play
really really good . just those last 2 lines

What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
What time's the nightlife go to sleep?
really good ending . really good song . im gonna say 9/10 . just not sure about those 2 lines lol . but if u could crit my song "climb the stairs and then watch yourself fall" thanks bro
#3
I'm going to be regretfully brief: I loved this. I truly did; bollocks it isn't one of your best. It was so relatable, in fact, believe it or not, i've been in a similar situation! Also, it flows really well and the rhyme is spot on.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but i like to think it's valued; i don't think you need to change this.
#4
not bad...it made me chuckle a few times...not sure if it was meant to, but nonetheless in a good way. it's definitely very easy for people to relate to, which above all else is what makes a poem/song "good."

thanks for the crit btw...i figured someone would say something about the "diamonds" part being cliche, but i was going for more of its reputation for being un-cuttable than its beauty, which is where i think the cliche lies.
Last edited by stjoejake at Sep 23, 2006,
#5
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
I'm going to be regretfully brief: I loved this. I truly did; bollocks it isn't one of your best. It was so relatable, in fact, believe it or not, i've been in a similar situation! Also, it flows really well and the rhyme is spot on.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but i like to think it's valued; i don't think you need to change this.



Wooooo, I think that's the first time I've impressed you straight away

And I actually like this, I was getting confused, I didn't like it but then I rewrote the chorus and the verses a bit, then posted it. So, yeh, I do actually like thi sone myself.

Thanks to everyone for their comments.

Jamie
#8
yea man pretty good. the only part that sounds wierd is the tits over arse part and i jus wanna play. cool tho
check mine out toooooooo on the hyper link. oh and im gonna submit my next one also. but pretty good stuff man!
#9
synth, without the rhyming, the flow would not be half as good and pacey as I want it to be for this piece. Can't wait till you get back to it though.

Jamie
#11
the line that ended in bag i thin was slightly misplaced. however as the piece goes on i think it fits better and better. So it's a decent piece i thin kthe low-level rhymes were qutie nice and worked well for the theme.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#13
Cheers further.

pingu85, go elsewhere. Someplace with temperatures well above 200 degrees would be suitable

Cheers all.
#16
Rhyming was tight. Quite witty, reminded me of an intelligent Streets. You're getting better and better each time, and what did it for me this time was the cheeky English sly humour. Writing that goes above and beyond your years, especially in that you aren't afraid to be you and use colloquialisms or language that is you, and nobody else.

Always a pleasure, alex.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#17
Harumph.

I felt it mediocre. I think, besides the rhyme scheme (which, in my opinion, would have served the structure of the piece better had you gone ahead and, essentially, made it an extended limerick - it would have carried the facetious lightheartedness of the structured with the subtextual gravity of reality, blending poetic physicality with content), your imagery was well-mired in very physical, very real things. Albeit, it gets your point across of a materialist attitude, the issue is that it overbalances the piece in that one direction - between colloqualisms and direct imagery, you're appealing too weakly to your audience in a non-sensory manner, hence throwing away a great opportunity to enhance tone and mood - the unspoken poetry, if you will.

I suppose my second point would be to be specific. The whole thing seems very vague - understanding that the female characters are supposed to be as such, I still don't get the feeling that your main voice is a fully developed individual that actively takes part in his own actions - as if the poet is active, while the speaker is passive. Plenty of major quarks associated in human nature, essential in the development of a realistic piece, are lost just to keep the plot moving. Yes, you don't want to compromise the speed at which the story is told, but you want to also make sure that the story and its constituents are credible - senspension of disbelief wears thin quickly in this type of social commentary, because you're applying a sort of reality that presents itself as true, but, in actuality, is something of a great masculine hyperbole.
#18
Thanks alot everyone, means alot.

Parabetheo- (No disrespect to you at all here) You are by far an intelligent guy and you obviously know what your talking about, probably more than anyone else here. It's just that, I'm writing songs to play music, to have fun. I have the utmost respect for your indepth critiscms, and they are all probably fair and well, but with these I'm not writing for an English degree, I'm writing so there's something to sing against music. I'm trying to appeal to a wider audience, and whilst always aware of most of the technical side of writing, scoring an A+ on my pieces isn't. I hope you can understand what I mean

Many thanks to you all, once again.
#19
Naturally.

I totally understand writing and playing music for the hell of it (I used to be in a band any my lyrics certainly weren't my top-shelf "English" material). However, I offer the weight of criticism in its technical form as the ying to many writers' yang. To be entirely honest, I really don't mind if there isn't a single piece of advice taken into practice, it's only that the technical aspect ought to, at least, be taken into consideration. Totally cool, though.
#20
Reading over Alex's thread, I can also say, like him, it's totally been lodged into my mind the advice you hand out, and it will stay with me.

Many thanks.