#1
Im trying to wake up but i can't wake up
Im trapped inside with my fears
Nothing can save me i got to get up
Im shouting for help but no one hears
The floor gives away and im falling faster,
toward a disaster that was started all by me.
The worlds in a spin that im tagled up in
and there is ntohing i can see.

Its a natural disaster
and im trapped inside
Im falling faster
and deeper in my mind
I can't save me, can anyone save me?
or is the natural disaster me?
Am i the one? My own worst enemy?~


Im not done yet its just pieces of it
If you don't like me for who i am
then don't like me for who i am...
but all your gonna get is who i am.
#2
This is my second posting ^_^
If you don't like me for who i am
then don't like me for who i am...
but all your gonna get is who i am.
#4
could you give me an example? i just want my writing to be better so i like hearing other opinons ^_^
If you don't like me for who i am
then don't like me for who i am...
but all your gonna get is who i am.
#5
I agree with ninjuice, mix it up a little. You used some words over and over again, in the same phrases too. Besides that, the rest is really good. The title is awesome and really interesting, it kinda lures you into it. Keep that. The first verse is totally awesome, except the first line, it could use a little work. I'd give it a 8.5/10, nice work!

Crit for a crit? Feel free to crit mine it's called Masquerade, thanks!
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
Basically, im harsh because I wanna help.

Quote by Thatguitarchick

Im trying to wake up but i can't wake up
Im trapped inside with my fears
Nothing can save me i got to get up
Im shouting for help but no one hears
The floor gives away and im falling faster,
toward a disaster that was started all by me.
The worlds in a spin that im tagled up in
and there is ntohing i can see.

First of all, work on the presentation, if you want serious replies then make sure theres no typos such as the last line. Add the required grammar too, it may not matter when in song format, but this is written work after all, present it so.

Secondly the phrases here, are all ones that are in your average radio-friendly song, now if thats what you're going for then, so be it. To be honest then theres little point in writing and posting here. You should use this time to write in different styles explore your own imagination. Just read a few Linkin Park songs and you'll see why this isn't that great, fair do's it your second post, and dont be disheartened we all start somewhere. What you need to do is read through this, and think instead of saying "im falling faster" try and build upon that image, "im falling faster like rain, from black lined clouds" This extra detail paints a vivid picture in the readers mind, where as saying your falling means nothing to whoever is reading it, if they can imagine it, then they are taking in more of what you say. Work on using similes.

As said above you have a great line in "natural disaster" no think what kind of natural disasters are there. Then use them as a basis of putting your point across. Rain is a gd start, its comes with black clouds, synonymous for sadness etc...try and weave this into your work.


Its a natural disaster
and im trapped inside
Im falling faster
and deeper in my mind
I can't save me, can anyone save me?
or is the natural disaster me?
Am i the one? My own worst enemy?~

This part is better, see here when you say natural disaster, that could so easily be replaced by "another dark cloud" its this kind of imagery that entices a reader to continue reading.

Im not done yet its just pieces of it


Hope that kinda helped, if you haven't already read the lyrics tips thread at the top of the forum, it will help.

peACE
THW
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
that was good, but a few lines and ryhmes are repeated too much, as was said before. example:

Im trying to wake up but i can't wake up

to me that sounds bad and makes the song a little less interesting.
also, the ryhmes are kinda uncreative, not a good thing. example:

Im trapped inside with my fears
Nothing can save me i got to get up
Im shouting for help but no one hears

overall though, this song was pretty good. I'd give it a 7/10

crit my song? it's called Shattered and Confused
B.C. RICH
#8
What ninjuice was saying was that you need more active words than being/static words. Do your best to keep these to a minimum. With as many as you've got in your work, it bogs the poem down, and your reader starts to trip over all the non-essential words. For example:

toward a disaster that was started all by me.

Basically, you've got 4 words (3, if you're not counting "me") out of 9 that have little to no purpose. "A," "that was," and "all by" each give the reader more junk to sort through in their quest to figure out what your message is. And, in the process, the flow of the poem somewhat halts.

Also, the very first thing I noticed about this poem was (appropriately enough), the first line.

Im trying to wake up but i can't wake up

The Department of Redundancy Department has found a mistake error! Please, unless it's 100% intentional, don't be redundant.
Thus sayeth the Lord.

<//////>~