#1
Oh Dear Christ!
We've been kicking this dead horse for far too long and now
it's turning into mush from the friction of our shoes.
They've got a grizzly bears stationed at every pole!
With lasers on their heads!
Swinging crocodiles!
We'll never make it out of here with our retenas intact.
We've got the cards and they've come to kill us,
But I won't let them.
Hell no.

Thousands of years ago we were out here. By ourselves.
Alone in the desert. And we'll be right here hundreds of
years from now. Still alone in the desert.

The fillings in my teeth burn and turn like a great scolding
metal ash urn sprinkling on nerves.
We're just teeth and bones.
Teeth and bones.
Enclosed in flesh.
But I dream of escape like some dogs must dream of such bones.
Or great Technicolor peripherals.
And if you must fall over trip wires, land on a
claymor, or get lasered by grizzlies, then we'll toast.
"A toast. A toast to your bones, Gwyneth, that this dog
still dreams about."

We'll find away.
Through Hell and River Styx.
Through the perfume department at Macy's.
Through US Bank.
Through a steakhouse kitchen into nightfall.
Through real country dark.
Poor advice.
#2
stellar legs i fucking love you now

is this sung ala barenaked ladies style?
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#3
It's a poem, not lyrics. I normally don't post any song ideas on here, but sometimes I do.
Poor advice.
#4
One day just post something with like, one mistake, just so I can feel good about the critique I give you.

This was just great again. I really don't have much to say. Although I don't think it was the best I've seen you post, I don't think there was as much inspired writing as some of your others, it was still miles above most.

I'd love it if you could just leave a quick comment on my latest, in my sig. I know I haven't you given mcuh crit, but it's just cos your too good to crit

Jamie
#5
Wow, that's really weird cause I literally just bought that book like a half hour ago. It's kind of hard to crit a piece that you hardly understand, but I did get the bones reference in the third stanza. So overall I'll just say I liked it.
#7
Êtes-vous Dieu?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
I want to deem the flow something specifically modern, almost "anti-establishment" in a way (I don't want to say Dada, but the word's already on my lips) - which is why I felt it lacking. Due to your style, I ought not complain all so much about the imagery, et cetera, because it's all there - not stunning, however.

Now, to expound on my previous statement, I wouldn't say that the poem itself jabs at "art", but the flow certainly does - that is, it doesn't follow the neat structure and chain of sound that is so often connected to poetry as a major trait. However, there is an underlying flow even in nonsense and not-nonsense, to which I feel you've missed and slipped straight into reorganized prose. Essentially, the stops are killing it. Even with the meshing of multiple differentiated images, there needs to be a sense of interconnectivity within the language itself - it feels not as if the poem's communicated message isn't developing, but that the means of communicating are stagnant.