#1
First of all, i was bored...so I came up with a rough draft of what the song will kind of sound like: (the String = vox)[If i ever learn to sing/get a microphone :P === This is also my first song ever wrote!)

http://hellbent.dmusic.com/ (Another Try)

Another Try

-Verse A-
Sometimes the world, gets to me
futures haunting, constantly
few things, that keep me alive
Oh so earging to, take the dive
-Verse B-
Nothing to do, nowhere to go
Wanting to make, that final throw
but something in-side of me
wants to keep, living free

-Chorus-
You mean so much to me
somewhere else i want to be
lingering doubts are in my head
just looking to hold you
again...hold you again

-Verse-
Take another Drink, to clear the mind
play another game, of hide and find
the memories, come crashing by
take another hit, to get real high

-Chorus-
You mean so much to me
somewhere else i want to be
lingering doubts are in my head
just looking to hold you
again...hold you again

-Bridge-
Just
Want
To
Make It
True
From
Me
To You

-Verse-
take another pull, take another shot
don't think, that i forgot
thinking that, I made a mistake
this is how i know, it wasn't fake
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
Last edited by HellBent1337 at Sep 24, 2006,
#2
not bad for a first try i liked it. the only line i had a problem with is where you say "wishing i could write poetry" it sounds like a crappy rap or something just change that and it will be good
and can you pls crit mine "another of many"
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#3
Haha, yea... Didnt mean to have that one in there, i just copied it...so it went over with that

P.S. Edited.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#4
I think you have the chorus/verse vocab confused. Hehe, a minor thing. But like .. Chorus A, Chorus B, etc I think should be Verse 1, Verse 2, etc. The "verses" should become the chorus. That make sense? It flows great. I'll do a full review tomorrow.
#5
Haha, Your correct.... And that was also edited
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
Last edited by HellBent1337 at Sep 24, 2006,
#6
Quote by HellBent1337
First of all, i was bored...so I came up with a rough draft of what the song will kind of sound like: (the String = vox)[If i ever learn to sing/get a microphone :P === This is also my first song ever wrote!)

http://hellbent.dmusic.com/ (Another Try)

Another Try

-Verse A-
Sometimes the world, gets to me
futures haunting, constantly
few things, that keep me alive
Oh so earging to, take the dive
Not bad flow. It sets up what I think the rest of the song is going to be about .. loneliness and despair.

-Verse B-
Nothing to do, nowhere to go
Wanting to make, that final throw
but something in-side of me
wants to keep, living free
The last two lines don't flow as well. I'm not sure what it is... I'd definitely take out the comma after 'keep' to make the lines run on.


-Chorus-
You mean so much to me
somewhere else i want to be
lingering doubts are in my head
just looking to hold you
again...hold you again
I like the repitition in the last line. The rest flows well. A question though: is the first again on the last line supposed to be there? Or at the end of the line ending with you? I've read it both ways and see two possibilities. As it is .. pretty good. It might be neat, though, with again after the you and then a big dramatic pause .. and then "hold you again." for the second time. See what I'm saying or not really? In any case thats just my opinion.

-Verse-
Take another Drink, to clear the mind
play another game, of hide and find
the memories, come crashing by
take another hit, to get real high
I sorta like how the persona in the song has progressed, from being contemplative in the first verse, to depressed in the second verse, and now looking to substances to escape in this third verse. The second line doesn't make sense to me .. not sure what it's trying to say.

-Chorus-
You mean so much to me
somewhere else i want to be
lingering doubts are in my head
just looking to hold you
again...hold you again

-Bridge-
Just
Want
To
Make It
True
From
Me
To You
I think the bridge could be done better. More emotional or more .. I dunno. I just don't like it.

-Verse-
take another pull, take another shot
don't think, that i forgot
thinking that, I made a mistake
this is how i know, it wasn't fake
A good closing verse. It sorta continues with the progression I mentioned above, culminating in a substance addicted "screw life" persona.


Overall the song is good. When I read through it I didn't feel much emotion .. however, a lot of times the emotion will come from the accompanying, music, not the lyrics, so my statement might not apply.

Sorry for the late, late, LATE critique.