#1
1) I'm back like Ghost Rider or a very disinterested father figure - don't you feel special?
2) I'm going to critique according to response - basically, this isn't necessarily crit-for-crit, because I owe some people some critiques... So, remind me. And, I'll take a look at any one's fanciest duds. (I'm damn lazy, and don't really feel like searching for workable pieces - I'll go ahead and ask for some links, because I'm not quite sure where everyone's latest has gone...)
3) If you're going to tell me that this piece is extraordinarily simple so far as structure is concerned: yes, yes it is.

+++

Porcelain seraphim resonate
under the
muddy fountains of a

dust-etched mortar ?

the revelations
are splattered Paint on the
canvas of Vicinity.

Little Starlit smiles
crack
against
the muddled Glass,

throwing
Fingerprints onto the vestige sky.

Perfect circles Detonate,
fracturing
into the Uninspiring
epicycles
of a Rationalized existence ?

the Equant beats faster,
flushing the salty cheeks.
little halos dance around the cycle and beg just to
Come inside.

Come Home.

Mercury ?
over the top ?
shuffles his Amorphous
feet
in the cold soil.

The Uncertainty
of the mortar?s Shockwave
produces an Uneasy

laugh,

just as gods and men
are Want to Do.

the Planet sees,
along the scattered flesh
of a
disjointed trench,

that white angel,

rocking his worries asleep,
amidst
the snapping boughs
of nursery-rhyme

artillery.
#2
Man, thats really sad... I really enjoyed it tho, it painted a really good (grotesk) picture. Had to bust out dictionary.com on a couple words, but i got it all ... As far as musically, I couldnt put together anything in my head. But again, as poetry, i really liked it.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
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FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#4
Wow this is amazing. Like someone said before, i'm not too sure how it'd go musically, but spoken, this would serve as an amazing intro or interlude to a great record. I'm also thinking Jim Morrison in "An American Prayer". This is good stuff.
Just one thing, in the line
>just as gods and men
>are Want to Do.
i think you meant 'wont' in place of want.
#5
I would normal say, "damn it, spelling error." However, "Want" is correct in this specific usage. (A little humanist bit, if you will...)

Thanks for the comments - I'll be getting back to people relatively soon... the paragraph pain-train's gotta get rolling at some point, after all.
#6
Apologies for not getting back to this yet. I am, to tell the truth, really drunk atm and would obviosly not be able to do you r piece justice in this state. Will do when sober, alex.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
That comes off as really sad I think its great writing, and very good at conveying the emotions you wanted. I'm in the same boat about having a hard time seeing it as a song, so I'm guessing its a poem.

There were some lines that make me feel like an idiot because I'm probably missing some connotations that go along with the words - mostly the religious stuff. But I guess you write for yourself, not for others - so it doesn't matter

I loved the ending, especially the "nursery-rhyme artillery." part.

You are definately a good writer, this piece is....wow.

I'd LOVE it if you read my poem (I've seen your crits and they're great!)

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=439585

Sorry I couldn't give you more suggestions, but there isn't really anything wrong with it - at all.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#8
Unfathomable to me for the most part, but I understood enough to understand that it was beautifully written. You pull off the multi-theming with simplistic ease, although the capitalization puzzles me. I know I'm only scratching the surface here, but if you're looking for advice there's not much to give. You seem to have mastered the form here, the 'disjointed trench' is actually disjointed, etc etc. Consider this an ego booster and a bewildered thumbs up.
#9
Quote by paraboetheo

1) I'm back like Ghost Rider...

Ghost Rider never left our hearts. Now Ghost writer, that guy was a prick.


+++

Porcelain seraphim resonate
under the
muddy fountains of a

dust-etched mortar ?

Dust-etched does nothing here, merely gets in the way of some otherwise decent writing and should be replaced with a more fluent idea.

the revelations
are splattered Paint on the
canvas of Vicinity.

Not nearly as good as the first part. Lacks much of the interest you began with. Not enough thought and though thinly masked in thicker words quite cliche.

Little Starlit smiles
crack
against
the muddled Glass,

throwing
Fingerprints onto the vestige sky.

Meh. Especialy the last line. "Vestige sky" is underthought. Moves the piece along. Little else.

Perfect circles Detonate,
fracturing
into the Uninspiring
epicycles
of a Rationalized existence ?

the Equant beats faster,
flushing the salty cheeks.
little halos dance around the cycle and beg just to
Come inside.

Come Home.

Much better then what came before it. "Flushing the salty cheeks" is week and underthought. The repeated "little" descriptor is a big turn off. The piece presents itself as deep and well thought out. The use of "little" here detracts from it.


Mercury ?
over the top ?
shuffles his Amorphous
feet
in the cold soil.

"Amorphous" seems as though it is a word which you had thought sounded nice. Being that the idea of Mercury is personified the definition of the word choice just isn't right

The Uncertainty
of the mortar?s Shockwave
produces an Uneasy

laugh,

just as gods and men
are Want to Do.

the Planet sees,
along the scattered flesh
of a
disjointed trench,

that white angel,

These last few parts really unravel your entire piece. Not in the sense that it reveals an important idea clearly but in a sense that it started out much stronger and now, not so much.

rocking his worries asleep,
amidst
the snapping boughs
of nursery-rhyme

artillery.

Possibly the best part. Certainly the most original and interesting. Kudos



While you certainly understand your words, it means nothing without structure and this pieces structure was more then lacking. Take this piece and turn it into something more technical and I will commend you. Great use of descriptors but it lacked character (mostly due to the simple structure). Brought nothing new to the table. Very "text-book" if you would.

Again fantastic wordings and great descriptions but huge lack of involvment with the reader. The placed capitals were interesting but all in all ineffectual. Though it worked quite well in some areas and all-in-all to ordinary. I've read a million poems just like this I want to read something new.

Sorry for the harsh crit don't intend to sound like a jerk it's all just mho. Feel free to return the bashing of my songs or don't if you are not apt.
Last edited by Brokenkingdom at Sep 27, 2006,
#10
Alex, if applause and a handstand were possible, I'd do it - 'cause that is the best excuse I've ever heard... Damn and a half, my hat is off...

And to address a couple other things:

1) Alright, alright. I'm a procrastinating jackass in work and play. I'll pay 'r back... tomorrow.
2) It's a poem! (And maybe a boy! Yay!)
3) The reason there's a problem with a fair amount of missed level-play-ish-ness is probably because a good deal of the imagery and terminology is concerned with early Western astronomy/astrology/metaphysics (thinkin' Almagest era - a little before, a little after). Yeah, yeah - I'm obsessed... Between Ptolemy and Hippocrates, I think I need a shrink...
4) Thank ye all kindly for the comments - it'll be repaid in my usual manner (which, mind you, is probably fairly negative, but it'll be constructive).

Damn it, now I have to edit:

5) Lack of poetic structure = fragment. Lack of syntactical structure (which I forewarned) = fragment. That's the point in itself (I know, I smell of the Cabaret Voltaire). Whilst the idea of actually writing out my normal decasyllabic metered what-not and setting it on fire came to mind... Well, I have a bad history with fire and jumping...
6) There are certain words and connections you haven't, nor probably will, make - which, I can't fault you for (unless you happen to know Latin). Things like "little" (which, I confess, I steal from Catullus too often), "vestige", "salty", et cetera. However, all sarcasm aside, I'm totally understanding that these don't appear to have the weight that they do - the etymology tells a different story.
7) I got yelled at the last time I explained myself (damn you, UGers who like to work on a poem like a puzzle!), so, I'll cut myself off. However, your comments are received and welcomed.
8) And, yes, I do find it ironic that the last few lines, which are a disgusting display of repetition and a ploy at making a conclusion that actually feels like a conclusion, have been received so warmly. Thanks, no doubt.
Last edited by paraboetheo at Sep 27, 2006,