#1
My head's grey with smoke and my eyes are burning,
I'm up late at night, and the clock is ticking.
I waste too much time for my own goddamn good;
I'm always stuck with these blue idle hands.

These flowers I planted are refusing to grow,
the stems are all cracked, and the petals are broke.
I kiss them goodnight and I kiss them goodmorning,
but they're too shy for sun beams and rays.

My temperatures falling, my hand's always shaking.
My brains falling numb to the illness I'm catching.
I take four pills a day, but nothing is changing.
Let's hope this mess is gone in the morning.

I am blue.

The absence of light that's filled up this house
is winding itself in and out of my heart.
I'm heavy with grief and I can't pour it out.
Seal the windows, but don't drown me now.

My breath has grown shallow and my heartbeat is fast.
I can't help these thoughts, but let's pray that they pass.
I'm shaky on feet, but that's how it goes.
I hope we're okay in the morning.

What's love in the morning is sorrow by night.
Those sorry lines are often soft-spoken,
but these words are used and the meaning is lacking.
You don't see as clear as my mind.

I am blue.
I am blue.
Last edited by radiocure at Sep 26, 2006,
#3
a bit complex for a song, very poetic, strong sensory appeal i personally like it but it seems almost mto compex for song form but then again put to reall organized musical pieces it would be great
#4
I usually write "complex" songs. I can't seem to stick to one simple and brief explanation of what I am feeling. Maybe I should work on it, but I dont' see a point to. I always end up making it fit with my guitar, though, which is a good thing. At least I think I do. Anyway, thank you.
#5
Definitely what STEEL__dragon said.

Also in this part here:

My temperatures falling, my hand's always shaking.
My brains falling numb to the illness I'm catching.
I take four pills a day, but nothing is changing.
Let's hope this mess is gone in the morning.

I have been told to avoid rhyming schemes with that much repitition. It gets a little old after a while(I hear it in rap alot).

Do you know what rhyme scheme is?? If not, it is the number of rhymes you have in a row for a stanza of poetry, or in this case, a verse of music.
In this line below, the rhyme scheme is A-A-A-A. If you can, try and make it A-B-A-B. .

My temperatures falling, my hand's always shaking.
My brains falling numb to the illness I'm catching.
I take four pills a day, but nothing is changing.
Let's hope this mess is gone in the morning.

What I mean by A-B-A-B is that you need to change the rhyme in the 2nd and 4th lines to different words that rhyme with each other. I can explain a little more if you need me too.
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#7
SGstriker: Shaking, catching, changing, and morning don't rhyme... at all. Shaking, baking, caking do, however. See the difference? M'k, then.

radiocure: Let's watch the bumpy-bumpy, alrighty?

Alright - I'll be brief, because I don't feel like being long-winded...

You're stuck on almost a single syntactical pattern. "I ____. / I ____." et cetera... Throw around the clauses, get inventive, and the what-not. Setting preceding clauses off with commas is probably the easiest solution, though... On this, smooth out the sounds into something with a flow to it - right now, because, primarily, of the diction, there's a very straightfoward, bland quality to the sonic portion of the piece.

There's a great deal of thematic repetition. Diversify the nature of your imagery, while keeping the general flow of ideas represented by connective images, and it'll appear that your thematic objective will produce subsequent tactics to achieve your message - hence, the point of writing this down in the first place will be more available to your audience. In this, thematic repetition is represented by repetition of imagery - you're stuck on a certain mode of imagery, and it's hampering more encompassing development of your message.

On the imagery train, make it sensory. Currently, the majority of your images are either too vague or too abstracted to be effective in both creating a residual effect on your audience and on entertaining the imagination savvy.

Shake up the diction. The descriptors need more impact, the nouns need more of a full quality, and the verbs need to bring something new to the proverbial equation. As it stands, everything is very much expected - it isn't that one can or cannot understand it, it's that the language is on-par "writing" language, and there ought to be a distinct lack of "on-par" qualities in writing. Even the most boring topics ought to be interesting, and even the most plain language can get the job done when economized, arranged, and focused for effect.
#8
Quote by radiocure

What's love in the morning is sorrow by night.
Those sorry lines are often soft-spoken,
but these words are used and the meaning is lacking.
You don't see as clear as my mind.

I am blue.
I am blue.


^^I love that verse. great way to end the song. I actually like the complexity of rhythm and the looseness of rhyme all through. Otherwise, I thought the ideas were a little repetitive and not all that fresh to begin with. Good job of keeping the language tight and some of the imagery is wonderful. Personally, I'd work on this a little more and fine tune it a little- it has great potential.
#9
first off, I could tell before I saw your sig or your avatar that you were a Bright Eyes fan. Props on that, it shows in your lyrics (in a good way, not like a ripping off conor oberst way) except this line "What's love in the morning is sorrow by night" pretty much straight from Lua.

I didnt really understand what you meant by "my heads grey" but I'll let you explain it before I say it doesnt make sense.

besides that its pretty sweet, I like the subject matter because I can relate.

"The absence of light that's filled up this house
is winding itself in and out of my heart." < definately my favorite part
#10
Quote by alexisonfire478
first off, I could tell before I saw your sig or your avatar that you were a Bright Eyes fan. Props on that, it shows in your lyrics (in a good way, not like a ripping off conor oberst way) except this line "What's love in the morning is sorrow by night" pretty much straight from Lua.

I didnt really understand what you meant by "my heads grey" but I'll let you explain it before I say it doesnt make sense.

besides that its pretty sweet, I like the subject matter because I can relate.

"The absence of light that's filled up this house
is winding itself in and out of my heart." < definately my favorite part

My head is grey with smoke, with smoke. Meaning, that it's clouded up.
Make sense?
& thanks for the crit.
By the way, the line that is almost straight from Lua, I realised that after I wrote it, but I liked it anyway, so I didn't really care.
It's really close, I know, but it's a different idea and the words are definitely changed. It's not a quote from Lua, but a definate reminder of the song.
#11
Wow, I like it.
I now see what you mean by imagery.
This is really poetic, and although complex... it's still really great.
Keep on writing.
#12
Im not a big fan of complex songs....as a poem i think its really good but as a song its seems like theres to much there.
#13
I thought this was a pretty good read, almost every line puts a picture in my head. I also am not a big fan of this type of song/writing but I do respect it and its definately a talent.
NICE WORK!