#1
Heej guys,

my latest creation, let me know what you think.

Can?t you see the sadness you bring her
Can?t you see the damage you deal her
I want you to feel my anger
So I know you?ll never hurt her once again

Can?t you see her soul is dying
Can?t you see her will is crumbling
I want you to hurt forever
Then I?ll know you?ve paid for all you?ve done

(refrain)
I know these thoughts, I shouldn?t have them
But this hate is growing stronger
I want them to feel this anger
For they must suffer for all that they?ve done to her

With your words you kill her dreams
And with your anger, you feed her fear
You are the reason she is crying
And you never noticed what
You?ve done to her

Can?t you see she is running
Running from the place she called home
And you are still there clueless
For all the pain that is coming your way

Can?t you sense my anger growing
Can?t you feel my dark thoughts
I feel you should be punished
So you will never speak your mind once again..

(solo)

I know these thoughts, I shouldn?t have them
But this hate is growing stronger
I want them to feel this anger
For the must suffer for what they?ve done

I know these thoughts
There my darkest thoughts.
There?s just one thing
I just can?t stand
And that?s that they
Will destroy my love.


Niels
Gear:

Ibanez V50 acoustic ( my first love)
Ibanez 442 RTR ( my second love)
Laney Linebacker Reverb 30Watt
#2
Hi Niels, I like the basic idea of this - I sort of hope its not based on your current situation because its sad. Anyways, I like it in general, but I feel that there are many lines that are akward. I don't like the way you did the third line in each verse, not bad ideas, but really oddly said. Such as:
"I want you to feel my anger"
and
"I want you to hurt forever"
and
"I feel you should be punished"

Maybe try re-wording them a bit, try matching the metre of the rest of the lines. I'm assuming you made them different on purpose, to draw attention to them, but they just seem so out of place. Maybe play with it a bit more, see if you like what you come up with. Just try it out, if you hate it, don't save the changes.

Also, just a quick note that you probably don't care about: you have no punctuation, and at the end you used "there" instead of "they're".

Hope that helped you out a bit and feel free to ask for suggestions on those lines if you don't really know what I mean. I don't really what to suggest lines for you becuase its YOUR piece, but I can if you want.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
that's a really detailled crit:P
thanks for that, I'll look into it

about those lines,

with the music in my head, the singing of these lines are the same as the other lines( if you know what I mean)
the words are sung so that all sentances are equally in lenght.

But again, I like having crits like yours
Gear:

Ibanez V50 acoustic ( my first love)
Ibanez 442 RTR ( my second love)
Laney Linebacker Reverb 30Watt
Last edited by DisturbedOne88 at Sep 25, 2006,
#4
Quote by DisturbedOne88
about those lines,

with the music in my head, the singing of these lines are the same as the other lines( if you know what I mean)
the words are sung so that all sentances are equally in lenght.

But again, I like having crits like yours


I see what you mean (I sang it, probably with a completely different melody than yours though). If you like it then I'd say its good. Do you have music written for it? I'd love to hear it if you do, or eventually do!

I still think they are akwardly worded, but that remains to be seen, if and when you sing it for us
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
Quote by DisturbedOne88
Heej guys,

my latest creation, let me know what you think.

Can?t you see the sadness you bring her
Can?t you see the damage you deal her
I want you to feel my anger
So I know you?ll never hurt her once again



Good except for the part that says, I want you to hurt forever


Can?t you see her soul is dying
Can?t you see her will is crumbling
I want you to hurt forever
Then I?ll know you?ve paid for all you?ve done


(refrain)
I know these thoughts, I shouldn?t have them
But this hate is growing stronger
I want them to feel this anger
For they must suffer for all that they?ve done to her


I like this part
With your words you kill her dreams
And with your anger, you feed her fear
You are the reason she is crying
And you never noticed what
You?ve done to her


I'd say take out the part that says"for all the pain thats coming
your way. Also the line, Running from the place she called home is
kinda cliche.

Can?t you see she is running
Running from the place she called home
And you are still there clueless
For all the pain that is coming your way


Again with the part about punishing.......maybe say
the same thing in a less literal way?

Can?t you sense my anger growing
Can?t you feel my dark thoughts
I feel you should be punished
So you will never speak your mind once again..

(solo)

I know these thoughts, I shouldn?t have them
But this hate is growing stronger
I want them to feel this anger
For the must suffer for what they?ve done


First two lines of this seem weird to read together.


I know these thoughts
There my darkest thoughts.

There?s just one thing
I just can?t stand
And that?s that they
Will destroy my love.


Niels


I'm not into this hate/darkness stuff but there you go.

Also I think you should change your title, reading the title made me not want to read these lyrics. I always try to make sure my titles are something i've never heard before.

Lets say i have a song about the clouds, i'm not gonna name it, "Sky above" or clouds, Or clouds above. I'd probally name it something like, Ocean in the sky, Floating snowballs, or bird view. Just to make it stand out and be something people wanna read/hear.
Quote by BigFatSandwich
it took you 15 consecutive hours of practice to realize that playing guitar makes you better at playing guitar. congratulations.


Quote by snowbert
SMOKE UN-DER WATER!!!


#6
I've got some ideas but they need working on. The timing was off and I didn't quite like some parts. As soon as possible I will try to get the guitars + vocals online. I would like to add more instruments but I'm just a guitarist:P
Gear:

Ibanez V50 acoustic ( my first love)
Ibanez 442 RTR ( my second love)
Laney Linebacker Reverb 30Watt
#7
Quote by DisturbedOne88
I've got some ideas but they need working on. The timing was off and I didn't quite like some parts. As soon as possible I will try to get the guitars + vocals online. I would like to add more instruments but I'm just a guitarist:P



I can play like every instrument i've ever seen haha.

Guitar, bass, djembe, bongo's, sing, keyboard, mandolin.
Quote by BigFatSandwich
it took you 15 consecutive hours of practice to realize that playing guitar makes you better at playing guitar. congratulations.


Quote by snowbert
SMOKE UN-DER WATER!!!