#1
the remorse
the pain
the struggling fight that you put up
the hate
but no love
you must be hope-ing to stay alive


well i hate to tell you this way
there is nothing here for you
well let me tell you to your face
slit your throat and be through


the pleasure
the happiness
the satisfaction that you lay dead
The death
but no life
you wish that you could be alive


well i hate to tell you this way
there is nothing here for you
well let me tell you to your face
slit your throat and be through


The crimson on my shirt
my knife clenched in my hands
Think about my life
what the **** who cares

well i hate to tell you this way
there is nothing here for you
well let me tell you to your face
slit your throat and be through


well i hate to tell you this way
there is nothing here for me
well please tell me to my face
slit my throat and be through
Zach
Last edited by forgettoremembe at Sep 25, 2006,
#2
Kind of dark, I'm struggling to see the reason you wrote this. You feel life isn't worth living? Or you know someone that is a position where you feel their life sucks? Just wondering whats driving this.

Anyways, it paints a pretty interesting picture. I think you could enhance (imagery wise) this if you wanted to. I mean "The blood on my shirt" is sort of...undescriptive. I guess you are constricted by metre and what not, its just a thought. You wrote it in fairly simple language, which is nice becuase when you do elaborate on something it really does stand out. Maybe choose a specific image you really want to jump out and work with it. I think it could enhance your piece. Good luck
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
Hey man i thank you for all of your help on this piece the reason i really wrote it was to capture the way i felt about the end of my relationship with a girl i had loved for two years and it just started to crumble and i felt like i should kill myself and her...turns out it became a good idea to write this because it relived alot of the pressure i had stored up at myself and her...so mabey this will be really good for a song but im not really sure wut the riff should be like...any suggestions?

thanx
Zach
#4
cool song! very unique. it's original, so its not like anythnig ive ever heard..but in a good way! lol hit me up with some critique. Dead to Me is my song
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#5
It's not something I enjoyed reading. In all honesty, it made me feel like ****. Not only did it make me feel like ****, but it also filled my head with noise. It's poorly written, in my opinion. It sounds like something Slipknot would write (this is no compliment). I think you should try writing what you actually feel, rather than being scared (which is what I'm getting from this) and writing just about being pissed the **** off. I don't know, I could be shooting this with my eyes closed, but that's what I get. Anyway, your rhyming is poor and so is the writing (I'm sorry to say).
Keep working, though.
I'm sure you'll hit the target sooner or later.
Never stop writing.
Crit my song?
Blue Idle Hands,
the link is in the sig.

Edit;; It sort of reminds me of the Halloween series. You know, with Michael Meyers.
and where it says "The satisfaction that you lay dead", you should change it to, "the satisfaction that lay(s) you dead", in my opinion.
Last edited by radiocure at Sep 26, 2006,
#6
radiocure couldnt have said it better...then again its not usually the generic(poorly written radio music) that i would normally listen to. its definitely a start elaborate mroe on detail of emotions and intention rather than slitting someones throat and seeing there blood on your shirt
#7
Quote by forgettoremembe
Hey man i thank you for all of your help on this piece the reason i really wrote it was to capture the way i felt about the end of my relationship with a girl i had loved for two years and it just started to crumble and i felt like i should kill myself and her...turns out it became a good idea to write this because it relived alot of the pressure i had stored up at myself and her...so mabey this will be really good for a song but im not really sure wut the riff should be like...any suggestions?

thanx


Your very welcome If writing makes you feel better then you are definately doing something right. I don't advocate taking any life for any reason, I hope you pull through this.

As for suggestions for riffs, well...Thats really up to you I'd recommend a minor key probably, but I mean - its your song, you have to work to make it the vision you see in your mind.

And as for what radiocure said : That was pretty rude. The only point I'd take from his/her post is that you should write based on real emotions - which I'd say you did.

radiocure: If you're going to be that blunt, at least offer some actual advice on how he could improve THIS piece, and correct things wrong in this one so he can see how they really do improve it. And then asking him to crit back... Doesn't seem very nice Karma


edit : forgettorememberme : you can check out my poem if you want to

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6912432#post6912432
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Sep 26, 2006,
#8
Quote by radiocure
It's not something I enjoyed reading. In all honesty, it made me feel like ****. Not only did it make me feel like ****, but it also filled my head with noise. It's poorly written, in my opinion. It sounds like something Slipknot would write (this is no compliment). I think you should try writing what you actually feel, rather than being scared (which is what I'm getting from this) and writing just about being pissed the **** off. I don't know, I could be shooting this with my eyes closed, but that's what I get. Anyway, your rhyming is poor and so is the writing (I'm sorry to say).
Keep working, though.
I'm sure you'll hit the target sooner or later.
Never stop writing.
Crit my song?
Blue Idle Hands,
the link is in the sig.

Edit;; It sort of reminds me of the Halloween series. You know, with Michael Meyers.
and where it says "The satisfaction that you lay dead", you should change it to, "the satisfaction that lay(s) you dead", in my opinion.



Well if you fell that way then i hope only you know that i really think your song is **** and i have the highest reguard for bands like slipknot and you really should think about the reason of writing if your not pissed the **** off i mean wtf if im not pissed i cant write so if you dont like my stuff go to hell i wasnt posting this to please people i was posting this to show my feelings tword that bitch...So like i said you dont like it dont read it

Have a ****y evening
Zach