#1
listless lies, dead eyes like a moonlit barren mind
blood runs through my veins, like a runaway train
heading for a dead end stop sign

apprehension stemming from my nervous system,
hour is advancing when i must meet my originator

does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone

flashing memories of a lifetime passed by
i carry the cross, it's the burden of your light
nail me in place, lord judge me now
know my mind, judge my soul
god, are you the thorny crown

does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone

does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone
he is the one who will judge
apparently he holds no grudge
when we're judged
#2
Quote by sambora


Me like!
listless lies, dead eyes like a moonlit barren mind
blood runs through my veins, like a runaway train
heading for a dead end stop sign

apprehension stemming from my nervous system,
hour is advancing when i must meet my originator

Chorus obviously, theres nothing too amazing here
Nothing bad either.

does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone

Dont like the bit of the thorny crown, seems like a rip
off from a line of american pie.

flashing memories of a lifetime passed by
i carry the cross, it's the burden of your light
nail me in place, lord judge me now
know my mind, judge my soul
god, are you the thorny crown


does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone

does he know i have been
from the light for so long
will he let you remember me
when i'm gone
he is the one who will judge
apparently he holds no grudge
when we're judged



Nice ending, I'd say change the title and capitalize everything correctly.
Also I would probally add another verse.

I would probally name it, "Lifetime passed by"
Just to make it sound interesting.
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#3
General impression : pretty good, too religiously based for me personally, but thats not a bad thing at all.

Anyways, I like the part that is repeated - the "does he know i have been..." versey part. It seems to fir well with the ending.

The problem (in my eyes) is the beggining. What do you mean by "listless lies"? It seems so vague that it could be anything, or nothing. The "blood runs through my veins" could be made more effective if you did something like this : "blood races through my veins" or another word that has a connotation of speed or desperation (although I like "races" becuase it fits with the idea of a train." Sort of wierd that you used 2 similes in a row, and then not using any more throughout the piece. Explain?

"heading for a dead end stop sign" Great idea, but I feel you worded it oddly.

"hour is advancing when i must meet my originator" Seems pretty akward, I'd definately try and re-word that line. Maybe something like : "My maker (or originator) streaks towards me on the winds of time"

The first 5 lines of this seem to either 1. be a completely different song or 2. written by someone else or 3. you just totally changed styles after that.

Maybe try coming up with an intro that really fits the rest of the song. And maybe try and use the imagery inducing intro to write a new song. Good luck
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
i just write what comes into my head at that time, obviously with a degree of relevence. and it was definatly not written by someone else. thanks for the in depth crit
#5
I like it...the religoin aspect fits in nicely concidering most people turn to it when they know their time is almost up...Im lovin your first 3 lines, however its either a "dead end" sign or a "stop sign"...Id get rid of the word "stop"....."god are you the thorny crown" mentioned in an earlier crit doesnt go well. Your chorus is simple(nothing wrong with that)but those 4 lines should really be 2 and Id try to add another 2 or 3 to it.......maybe another verse or better yet a bridge. just suggestions ...good job.