#1
LAST LIGHT


Snow and sand
I gave it away
The wind, it comes from west today
And my alter ego dies again
The planets swim, the edges fray

The world outside
As it withers away
This room is a dream in which we stay
And the external body is dieing again
A lifeless limb to dig away?

So hopelessly?
So old?
The streaks of colour in bodies sold
They share no animosity
Fate; it fights ferociously
So all,
Can drift controlled
Remember the climb, forget the fall

And we all saw the last light
Failing, failing
We all saw the last light fading

Like lifeless dust
Gathered, we lay
In hope that air will come our way
But round the circle goes again
Tomorrow equals yesterday

The blood inside
Still pumps away
Through feinted flesh and thinning veins
No point in breathing out again
But still I stand and fish away?

So hopelessly?
So old?
The streaks of colour in bodies sold
They share no animosity
Fate; it fights ferociously
So all,
Can drift controlled
Remember the climb, forget the fall

And we all saw the last light
Failing, failing

We all saw the last light fading
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#2
Wow, I like it! I don't really think there is much, if anything, wrong with it. I love the part that is repeated. Especially the "Remember the climb, forget the fall"

"And the external body is dieing again" <--- seems sort of akward, good idea though. Any thoughts of re-wording it?

"They share no animosity
Fate; it fights ferociously" Be careful of forced (half ) ryhmes, that just seems out of place.

But round the circle goes again
Tomorrow equals yesterday <--- Love those lines, reflect how I feel quite nicely

Good work, I'd LOVE to hear it put to music, unless its a poem? And even then...
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
hey
thansk for that crit!
the lines u highlighted as forced; i share thesame view on im wokring on that

its a song and it has music. its pretty much just an acoustic song that my band do- very mellow since its about the last ppl alive on earth (how cheerful)

i'll get it recorded and put it up here

www.freewebs.com/silentproject