#1
Trembling like cold coffee in a plastic cup,
She lies: guttered, drunk ? on semen and alcopops.
Tonight she?d met a man, her man, and fallen
The fuck in love ? love, of course, was fleeting as ever.

First her top half, then his bottom half; we could talk for hours
Of fingernails on nubile torsos, or of adolescent striptease,
But to be perfectly honest, it brings all the pleasure of dimly laughing
At the dumb, wheel-legged infirm.

Yet as her body lies soaked in bits of itself and pieces of others,
Remember, he once said, ?God bless her fourteen year old breast,?
Once creamy, pert, now never more bloody slack, as he lifts himself off
And away, because, after all, the cripple, drooling and drooping,

Had given him enough bloody fun for one day.
"You can never quarantine the past."
Last edited by broken_bottles at Sep 25, 2006,
#2
Damn awkward sex...

It seems fair hollowed out, but that primarily seems due to the characters. At first, you introduce the girl and spend a little time with description in actions, which is a fair start. However, you move into motion and plot, entering a man as your secondary character - who, strangely enough, becomes the most personalized character, as "he" merely lives as a pronoun - you never disconnect the audience from this character by attaching loaded titles like "cripple". So, your primary character is, essentially, followed by this indiscriminate foil - however, the issue is that the foil has the last laugh. Now, most would say, "blah, blah, the order doesn't really matter" - however, when the primary character is neglected in the termination of the piece, you implicate some sort of incapacitation of the character that would prevent them to finish what they've started (for example, death is common). Now, the reason that I take issue with this is because it's simply a part of a conclusion - basically, to be shorter with my words, the poem doesn't feel like it really finishes - it just stops at a convenient point. Now, while this ought to be remedied - at the same time, the line break works well... it's about as awkward as the sex. However, it seems like there's more of a story to be told than what you've provided, and reasonable space to do it. (I hope that paragraph made sense - I got distracted about halfway through by the thought of ducks with lips, and had to try to start ye olde hampster-in-the-brain.)

Sometimes, I wish the grittiness would translate more in a manner more diverse to the senses and with more subtlety. I understand you prefer the graphic, which is fine, but arguably once of the most graphic senses is - you guessed it - smell. Besides as much, I feel as if you're lingering on the side of sight even in instances when it seems as if touch would be more appropriate.

Smooth over that flow - some of the sounds don't work in some of the lines, and in others... well, the words clunk on by, so to speak. "Alcopops" is driving me crazy - the double "p" explodes off the lips, which really throws the dirty appeal out the proverbial window. "He once said" is an example of a word ("once" - and, honestly, "said") where it creates something of a more formal syntax, and "said" is partly to blame, simply because the word doesn't add anything new and relies heavily on the notion that "said" is the conventional word used in that situation.

Alright... That's what I've got for now. That wasn't too bad, was it? (I mean, at least I'm not sarcastic about it...)
#4
Thanks P. I do, of course, see what you are saying. From what my tired brain can gather of your crit, it seems that we may be barking up slightly different trees, so to speak. Whilst I understand and appreciate what you mean, in my own eyes and in my own style I'm pretty happy with what's been written. Why, then, did I request a crit? To be honest, you can never have enough criticism, so hopefully your advice will lodge itself in the back of my brain. Technically, I will concede that you know a great deal more about poetry, indeed you seem to be almost scholarly. I do, however, have a very un-scholarly approach. For example, when you pulled me up on the flow - for me, that doesn't affect the piece and for me it flows well, or at least, as I'd want it to.
Nevertheless, I commend you for the massive, knowledgable and insightful comments that you've posted, and I appreciate them all fully (hence why I asked for the crit). Thanks, and I'll get to yours, although I am awful at returning crits.

As for the other guy: 1) 'not very good'? I don't believe that.
2) This isn't a song. 3) 'Cussing' is, and often is, very poetic, especially in terms of more modern poetry. To be crass, even Shakespeare employed cursing massively in his works. Not heard of him, by any chance?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#6
Quote by broken_bottles

Best title Ever.


Trembling like cold coffee in a plastic cup,
She lies: guttered, drunk ? on semen and alcopops.
Tonight she?d met a man, her man, and fallen
The fuck in love ? love, of course, was fleeting as ever.

Excellent opener.

First her top half, then his bottom half; we could talk for hours
Of fingernails on nubile torsos, or of adolescent striptease,
But to be perfectly honest, it brings all the pleasure of dimly laughing
At the dumb, wheel-legged infirm.

Again, I don't know why I'm trying to fully crit, for I have nothing to say.

Yet as her body lies soaked in bits of itself and pieces of others,
Remember, he once said, ?God bless her fourteen year old breast,?
Once creamy, pert, now never more bloody slack, as he lifts himself off
And away, because, after all, the cripple, drooling and drooping,

I think there's too much break in flow here, even if it is for effect. It makes this stanza awkward and confusing to read.

Had given him enough bloody fun for one day.

Good end.


I woudln't say this is you at your best, certainly not compared to your last one which was fantastic, but this still leaves me impressed. I'd say the third stanza could do with alot of improvement, was probably the weakest writing I've seen from you lately, or from my point of view, anyway, it could do with some touching up. Good stuff though, once again.

Jamie
#7
Cheers guys, Synth, you are a lazy little fella, you could have put a comment!
"You can never quarantine the past."