#1
I just started writing this--I only got the 1st verse and chorus tell me what you think

Freedom comes to play
I don't think I can feel this way
Just leave me right here
So inhuman that I never fear
How can I touch
Touch this life and just walk away...

(Chorus)
My cell phone is a time bomb
It blows when ever you call
And there's no love in this song
Although I wish there were
#3
Well i liked the first verse, it was fairly well written - especially the last line. You should re-write the chorus for sure, make it more like the verse. It sort of seems like you wrote the verse, then took some time off and wrote the chorus several days later.

The chorus seemed pretty dry and empty (compared to the verse), I don't really like the cell phone idea, but maybe if you worded it in a different way it could work. And the last two lines of the chorus bother personally becuase I dislike it when people mention songs in their lyrics (I don't know why, but there it is ) Its a good idea though, but again, worded akwardly.

I think the first verse is a good basis for a song, I'm interested to see the finished product. Don't force it out though! Good luck
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
verse=good.
chorus=not good. the cell phone thing sounds really out of place and just sorta ruins the song for me
overall=decent. post a revised version. right now it gets a 7/10
B.C. RICH
#5
I actually just finished it as I was playing the melody on my acoustic--this is the very rough version

Freedom comes to play
I don't think I can feel this way
Just leave me right here
So inhuman that I never fear
How can I touch
Touch this life and just walk away

My cell-phone is a time bomb
It blows whenever you call
And there's no love in this song
Although I wish there were

Now I'll walk away
Nothing left of this mind of mine
So you'll call me anyway
And make me break your heart

And the worst part is
The most beautiful brunnette staring at me now

My cell-phone is a time bomb
It blows whenever you call
And there's no love in this song
Although I wish there were

(I have to admit that the chorus is not that great but it fits I time change within the music--but I think it's functional for now)
Last edited by onlyunplugged at Sep 25, 2006,
#6
Ok, its not too shabby now. I still dislike the chorus, but you said its functional - as in may change it when you think of a better one?

the "Now I'll walk away" verse is pretty good, needs some work still. The first line doesn't really fit the metre, and it seems like you forced the rhyme "away" and "anyway". You don't have to rhyme, but if you really want to, then spend more time and make that line fit. Good verse though.

"And the worst part is
The most beautiful brunnette staring at me now"

That is akward for sure, unless you sing it over two lines or something. I'd say make it into 3 lines or 4, and expand on the idea a bit. Be more descriptive than "most beautiful". Maybe use a metaphor or simile. Good job finishing it though!

Are you going to record it and put it up so I/we can get an idea of how it sounds to you?

edit: and is the title "the unlove song"? If it is, I really don't like it
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Sep 25, 2006,
#7
Sorry no, I don't own any recording equipment. I assure you, though, the "most beautiful brunnette" bridge fits very well. The title is simply "unlove song" for now unless you have any suggestions. I've already played the 1st verse and chorus for a few friends this weekend and it went over well. for the verses I took the the beat for "broken" by seether and played Em into C2 after the first 4 beats, the chorus is to complicated for me to explain--but it's a work in progress
#8
ok. my revised crit for the revised song.
verse1= good. I like it alot. good choice of words. no change.
chorus=still bad. no change.
verse2=very good. powerful and well written.
overall=good, with the exception of the chorus. 8/10.
B.C. RICH