#1
A love song I know is a bit cliche, but it's alright... Wrote it for a girl, about a year ago, only now did I find it agian and I wanted to hear your opinion... Crit for crit, of course:

*soft acoustic*
It started one night when I realised I missed you;
When I noticed that I always felt happy by your side.
I knew that there was something within us...
I know that there is somehting between us...
And hey...
I think it's love

Every single question you asked, I hesitated to answer;
I was worried I would say something stupid, make a fool of myself...
I didnt wanna mess up a thing,
I didnt want you to think,
That I'm...
Not right for you


Chorus (Kinda clumsy, I need to improve it)
I'm not asking you to pretend you give a damn,
I just wanted you to know how I feel...
But if you feel the same for me, I need you to tell me,
Cause every minute without you wears away my heart...

-Short intrumental bridge where I'd say something nice-

I don't wanna have to see you go away...
Why have you got to leave, why can't you stay?
Please don't ever leave me behind,
Give me a chance and you will find,
That we were meant to be...

Please, just give me a chance...
just one, simple chance...
Coz life... without you, is hell...
***

Oh well, it's short, it's corny.... but I love it ... I just think it could use some touch ups...
"You know nature has lost it's stead to man, when a streetlamp outshines the moon."
#2
I like it--I can actually see it being played in a coffee-house...
It the verses flow well the only part I really don't like is

Please, just give me a chance...
just one, simple chance...
Coz life... without you, is hell...

It just seems sort of tacked on
#3
It is pretty I like it, maybe corny but who cares?

There are some parts that don't flow, but most of it does. "I was worried I would say something stupid, make a fool of myself..." Too late! Heh, its too long for sure - either make it two seperate lines or pick "stupid" or "fool" and go with that.

"And hey...
I think it's love" <--- I really like that part, its great.

I agree with onlyunplugged, the ending doesn't to it justice. I wouldn't end this song on such a low note, or the word hell.

The chorus does need some work. Maybe try something like this:

I'm not asking you to give a damn,
I want you to know how I feel...
just tell me how it is.
(i don't know what to do about the last line without changing it a lot)
Cause every minute without you wears away my heart...

Maybe something like that. Just my two cents, hope it helped.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
Quote by iain4444

There are some parts that don't flow, but most of it does. "I was worried I would say something stupid, make a fool of myself..." Too late! Heh, its too long for sure


Surrisingly enough, it flows pretty damn well... everyone I've shown the lyrics said it was too big, but when they heard it, took it back.. I might record it if I can find a mic...

You're right about the last verse, it really was tacked on.. I just fel it needed a more explicit ending... but I'll work on it...

The chorus, I probably need to change completely... it doesnt follow the song's them as it should... But thnaks for trying

What do you think of (for an ending thing):
Please stay by my side,
I need you to survive...
Hey...
I think it's love...
"You know nature has lost it's stead to man, when a streetlamp outshines the moon."
#5
Quote by Acrado
The chorus, I probably need to change completely... it doesnt follow the song's them as it should... But thnaks for trying

What do you think of (for an ending thing):
Please stay by my side,
I need you to survive...
Hey...
I think it's love...


Heh, your welcome - sorry if it was totally not what you were looking for

The new "ending thing": I like that you brought the "hey i think its love" back, its a good way to end. Only beef with it is the second line, it sounds bad. Try something like this:

Please stay by my side,
I need you for the/this ride
Hey...
I think it's love...

Something like that sounds better (to me). Again, don't feel you MUST rhyme, it can force you to write crappy lines when you otherwise would write something beautiful. Hope you are able to finish this one up. I'm dying to hear it
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour