#1



Will's Codicil & This Lad's Law



All the house around me
Is falling down and crumbling
And it's all that I can do
To stand still,
Mournful,
Mumbling.

But I'm made awfully insincere
By just one utterance;
An incredible, yellow-bellied,
Stomach-churning unencumberance.


****


The Fall's winds of change
Reap leaves and to me, at least,
The words we breathe -
They suddenly sound so strange.

For I bid fall torrential rain
Upon the cemetary hill.
Yet I, Will, shall stand here, still,
For nothing at all has changed.








__________________________________
This is actually, for me, surprisingly cohesive and multi-faceted. It'd be awesome for me if folk didn't swim only in the shallow end of this pool
I'll return crits. I really hope people enjoy this, in any case.
Ro
Last edited by scousertommy at Sep 27, 2006,
#2
I owe you another one after this...

My biggest critique is one along the direction of economy of words. Because there is a minimalist quality just in the structure, being that there are, in reality, very few words for the conventional lay-out (that is, not being overly obscure), it just seems like tightening up and cutting back is central to making this effect truly hit home. It, immediately in this context, adds a layer of emptiness, as the lack of words to say is filled with a void of hypotheses and hypotheticals - the statements and questions that aren't written on the page, but the reader knows they exist and knows that they are important to the emotional tie persistent in the structure. So, part A of this point is that you need to make sure you're not adding anything unnecessary ("that" in the third line comes to mind). Part B of this is that you need to go over each word and make sure it's carrying part of the burden - in those last two lines, this comes to mind. There are these polysyllabic descriptors that don't hit quite as hard as they could, primarily because of their arrangment. "Incredible" doesn't cut it for me - I don't get anything outside of the dictionary definition for this word, and it doesn't add anything to the descriptive, sensory qualities of the line. Finally, I feel that switching the other descriptors might have a bigger punch - you get the physical blow, and then "yellow-bellied" - bam! - the connotation flies out like the teeth of a not-fast-enough pugalist - in a way, it is the societal sin that has the most power, as it not only affects one, but reaches into the sphere of others.

In the second, the syntax seems forced at times ("I bid fall"). Also, this one seems to share a sense of emptiness in the first, but comes off more as passivity. I'd say that really making the seasonal imagery more vivid would illuminate the piece as a whole - especially in the case of nature, you don't have to jeopardize your tone just to increase the impact of the imagery. Also, I felt as if a greater presence of the speaker would have been beneficial. The position of the speaker ultimately rests upon the audience's knowledge of "Will" - which, in this situation, seems more of an off-hand reference than an actual attempt to define the psychological constitution of the man. Certainly keep the economy of words going, but I'd say even blending the human element with the situational elements and bringing the obviously rich history (that's what throwing "cemetary" in does for you) more directly into the light of the audience.

However, I very much enjoyed reading these - the voice is very mature and a breath of fresh air from the constant edgy nature of most contemporary authors.
#3
Heh, thank you very much for that criticism! (Though it's something of a mixed blessing, lol; just watch everyone who comes after you excuse themselves with "Oh, I think Para said it all better than I ever could" ) But yeah, thanks a lot, I'll take in all you said.
(And you don't owe me anything )
Ro/
#4
Bloody spaces every bloody where, bloody stupid....grrrrr




Will's Codicil & This Lad's Law


Bastard second word I had to look up, effing linotype.

All the house around me
Is falling down and crumbling
And it's all that I can do
To stand still,
Mournful,
Mumbling.

Beautiful flow in this opening, the rhyme to end on was perfectly apt at closing the whole stanza. The basic structure too is appealing to me at the moment as you know. Theres nothing negative comming from this so i'll move on.

But I'm made awfully insincere
By just one utterance;
An incredible, yellow-bellied,
Stomach-churning unencumberance.

Wow what beautiful wordplay, I can hardly find fault, aside from the fact that in both stanzas i've been expecting to see some kinda of converse, be it just one line. Unless this is intentional, which I can see it being so, with the topicality obviously dealing with death in some form.

The Fall's winds of change
Reap leaves and to me, at least,
The words we breathe -
Suddenly they sound so strange.

Just one thing to mention here, I found it read slight less cumbersome when I said " They suddenly sound..." in L4, its some beautiful usage of sibilance mind. I guess also I wish there was "the" between reap and leaves. but that would askew the flow.

For I bid fall torrential rain
Upon the cemetary hill.
Yet I, Will, shall stand here, still,
For nothing at all has changed.

An intruiging ending, Im not confused, just enjoying the open-endedness that I seem to have found with it. I love the relationship between the final line and the title. And actually the rhymes do seem perfectly placed. I cant really decide either, if im just impressed or amazed, but both are positives so take it that way.

peACE





__________________________________
This is actually, for me, surprisingly cohesive and multi-faceted. It'd be awesome for me if folk didn't swim only in the shallow end of this pool
I'll return crits. I really hope people enjoy this, in any case.
Ro
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Thanks loads man! Heh, I take back what I said to para about his crit being followed only by poor ones I'm very, very glad you liked it. To me, next to my own liking of it, yours probably means the most.

Seeing as titles are so oft regarded as 'redundant' (thought certainly not always by me), I thought I'd have a little fun with it, so I wrote the title as kind of a clever allusion/reference to something (something that actually partially inspired this); a piece of wordplay. Though I do seem to hate overt 'cleverness' lately. Anyway, a million billion cool points to anyone that gets it.

Anyway I was super-glad you appreciated the open-to-interpetation ending/message. Thanks again for teh critsecks!
Ro

P.S. There's no room for me in yer inbox...
#6
[ ] <--- This is the box,

<----- this is you.

Yours is outside the box. I love the fresh ideas. Good job.
#7
^ really, It says i have only 23. I'll check the inbox load, send again when you read this.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Oh, ok, hmm, weird. I'll send now. It was mostly just to send you my lame nostradamus piece anyway.

Oh and I'm gonna edit in your "suddenly" suggestion now