#1
hey ppl im new to tis forum...tis i rote ages ago...tell me wht yall tink...and temme on wht i shuld improve on...help shall b greatly appreciated..


Verse 1: im sitting in my old broken home
trying to memorize
im talkin to my self alone
but i cant hear my cries

Chorus: The past days r the ones that left me
happy days have passed me by
my memories are my frnds hu meet me
and theyll be there till i die

Verse 2: my clothes are ragged and torn
my mouth is filled with lies
i have nowhere else to go
i tink ill wait till god arrives
#2
Welcome to UG!

Just a quick point : you should probably give that a quick read/edit becuase some of it you typed to badly that i had to guess what it said.

That aside, it seems pretty good...so far. You could end it where it is if you want, on the "till god arrives" line, but you could definately expand upon it if you wanted to.

The first line seems a bit too long, maybe try "im sittin in my broken home" or something.

"im talkin to my self alone" <-- seems sort of odd, you say the same thing twice kinda. Its ok, but it could be reworded if you want to.

I like the chorus, but maybe make the last line say "and theyll be here till i die", instead of "there".

The last verse is alright, but the last 2 lines seem sort of akward. It might be because the metre is off, I'm not really sure. Overall, its pretty close to being done I'd say. I'd love to see an edited version Hope that helped
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
thnx dude....will edit to wht u said...but the starting line goes well with the tune ,if u know wht i mean..but i will surely edit it....thanx for the help...any more comments people?