i jus wrote this song in like 10 minutes so it is real un edited and raw....i need all of ya'll to help me improve it...thanx in advance ...story is about a guy who is dying and he tells how he feels(all the paind and stuff) and that he doesn't want to die...

Verse1: i try to cry
the tears dont flow out
i try to laugh
but can't open my mouth

Pre chorus: im screaming out loud,inside
i can feel my blood,go dry
im cold blue through my own eyes
Im hoping i dont die ,because

Chorus:my heart is stopping
i feel im dropping
gonna hit the floor

Verse2: im still alive
of that i have no doubt
i search for air
but i can't breathe in or out

(pre chorus)

Ummm there really is no zest to it. Nothing really to make it different from any other songs with the same stuff.

Look at your word choices. Heart, blood, tear, laughter, cry, and eye.

All those words are used lots in songs.

If your gonna use those words make it special.
i agree with the guy up there, try to find alternate words, they end up making the song unique
Who dat?
it was alright, but it seemed a little cliched, thin and empty. like it really doesnt get to grips with the enormity of this mans situation.

and dont bump your own posts, if you want crits, crit other people

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------