#1
Hi I wrote this using the Harvest moon (which was a few weeks ago) as insperation of sorts. Its a poem, but I might try putting music to it - I'm not sure yet. Thanks to anyone who crits it, and I'll definately crit back if you leave a link or something

PS : Bonus points to anyone that spots the song titles!


Lidless Eye of Twilight


My lone playmate of deception, do we end life?
Steal light and warmth, only cold death in return?
No, we give rest and respite to the weak and weary.

Oh orange orb in the sky, rising steadily in my eye.
A cold blue night, no stars in sight,
Down by the river, your eerie light.

Ruler of the stars: rare is your night.
Do what you will on this flight tonight.
So huge this hour, a show of power.
Daunting beast, man, and beautiful flower.

A harvest moon but once a year,
Rips me away tear by tear.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#2
Lidless Eye of Twilight

My lone playmate of deception, do we end life?
Steal light and warmth, only cold death in return?
No, we give rest and respite to the weak and weary.
I like the two first lines, the way they are two questions, and the answer is in the third line. Nice format. Great consonance in the third line!

Oh orange orb in the sky, rising steadily in my eye.
A cold blue night, no stars in sight,
Down by the river, your eerie light.
Amazing rhyme scheme; I enjoyed this stanza a lot. The first line's internal rhyme, and the second and third lines rhyming with each other is a unique way to present this, I've never thought about it before.

Ruler of the stars: rare is your night.
Do what you will on this flight tonight.
So huge this hour, a show of power.
Daunting beast, man, and beautiful flower.
Good flow. Good rhymes. Strong imagery.

A harvest moon but once a year,
Rips me away tear by tear.
A great ending. "Rips me away tear by tear." What a good line.

Good job! Thanks for the crit, and thanks for giving me a link to something very enjoyable to read.
#3
Thanks for the crit, and you are very welcome Too bad you missed the song titles I'll keep an eye out for anything new of yours that you write.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
Lidless Eye of Twilight


My lone playmate of deception, do we end life?
Steal light and warmth, only cold death in return?
No, we give rest and respite to the weak and weary.

i enjoyed how the two questions were answered with a single question. nice structuring.

Oh orange orb in the sky, rising steadily in my eye.
A cold blue night, no stars in sight,
Down by the river, your eerie light.

didn't like the 'down by the river' part. sounded a bit cliched, and when i heard it it kind of made me feel odd. otherwise, great stanza.

Ruler of the stars: rare is your night.
Do what you will on this flight tonight.
So huge this hour, a show of power.
Daunting beast, man, and beautiful flower.

Love this stanza.

A harvest moon but once a year,
Rips me away tear by tear.

Great ending. Great job altogether. Overall, 9/10. Keep it up.
#6
hey Choco, thanks for the crit

I definately see what you mean about the "down by the river" line being overused, but I threw it in there as a joke. Sort of like, Neil young ----> Harvest Moon ----> Down by the river. I could change it, and may now.

If you do check back in here, can you pick out anything definate that would make it a 10 instead of a 9?

PS sucks your thread got closed for bumping
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#7
My lone playmate of deception, do we end life?
Steal light and warmth, only cold death in return?
No, we give rest and respite to the weak and weary.
good verse all in all starnge last line

Oh orange orb in the sky, rising steadily in my eye.
A cold blue night, no stars in sight,
Down by the river, your eerie light. youve got a rhyme here but not on the verse before

Ruler of the stars: rare is your night.
Do what you will on this flight tonight.
So huge this hour, a show of power. would it work better a show this hour, of your huge power?? But still good either way
Daunting beast, man, and beautiful flower.
love that line

A harvest moon but once a year,
Rips me away tear by tear. is 'rips me away' what you really want to say

good song 8/10 crit mine 'why did you leave her'
#8
Hey Grundy, thanks for the crit

About the rhyming : I originally just dragged a lawn chair over to a hill and sat there with a piece of paper and watched the harvest moon rise. I randomly wrote lines down, then polished them up and reorganized it later. I had meant for it to be fairly free verse, but I loved how well it flowed with the rhymes. I don't know why I didn't rhyme in the first stanza (its a poem, not a song ) but I like it so I figured I'd leave it.

Thanks for the suggestion on the the line, but I prefer the one I have already. I also love the line you pointed out

about the ending : I don't really know what you mean? Of course its what I wanted to say, otherwise I wouldn't have put it. Maybe you where reffering to the fact that it rhymed, and maybe I felt forced to come up with some crappy line that fit? Well that wasn't the case, I definately like that line, and wouldn't seriously consider changing it. Though its poetry right, and it doesn't give you the chance to say ALL of what you want to in as many words as you want. I could write several hundred words about what each line means and extend my thoughts about the line, but then what would I have?

Thanks again for the crit, and I'll go check yours out right now.

PS you should leave a link or something, it took me a few minutes to find it
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#9
My lone playmate of deception, do we end life?
Steal light and warmth, only cold death in return?
No, we give rest and respite to the weak and weary.
To be honest I think the two first lines can be phrased better. I have to admit I do not like the style you are writing in, but it's only me and you do keep the language up to par.

Oh orange orb in the sky, rising steadily in my eye.
A cold blue night, no stars in sight,
Down by the river, your eerie light.
Even though you're keeping in consistent with the theme and atmosphere, I still think that this stanza is a bit cliché and somewhat corny. You have a way with words but I've heard these phrases and rhymes a hundred times before.

Ruler of the stars: rare is your night.
Do what you will on this flight tonight.
So huge this hour, a show of power.
Daunting beast, man, and beautiful flower.
I liked the meaning behind this. I am a fan of rhymes but I think that it overshadows the meaning a little. Perhaps I can't see beyond the style that I don't like as much though.

A harvest moon but once a year,
Rips me away tear by tear.
It's a nice feeling to end on, but again, I think that something more original is needed since these rhymes and imagery are very much used.

I do think you're talented, but this is not my preferred style or language so I couldn't really connect with this piece. Beyond that I think you've used a lot of common rhymes and phrases and in that cluster you lost some of the originality that I think could take this piece up several notches.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#10
Thanks Carmel I know what you mean, and am appreciative of your advice. This was my first attempt at poetry since a while ago, and I can only improve I'm working on a sonnet right now, which is...interesting and difficult, a fun challenge. I definately look forward to more of your work, good luck in the writer of the month vote.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#11
Darn, Carmel got to that before me, I'll re-emphasise everything that was said.

And a coupe of my thoughts;

After reading the first stanza I thought some internal rhyme could have been used to improve the flow a bit, and for the rest of the piece I was like "careful what you wish for", the rhyming was not only simplistic and predictable but very, very repetitive.

Basically, the last paragraph Carmel wrote are my thoughts exactly on reading this piece. Keep on writing.

Jamie
#12
Thanks for critting back Jamie I could, and may, re-write this, but I don't have the motivation right now. See ya around
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#13
i like it a lot! i thought it was very original, and it stayed on track of the subject. some songs are strange because people just go off and talk bout something else. i liked how the third line of the first verse answered the question: very unique!!

p.s. i have some pieces that really need some crit! lol (I'm) Waiting and For You
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!