#1
hi this is a song im working on thought i could get some opionions
its kind of a slower acoustic song


Verse
Like pools of pain
and drops of rain
like hot and cold
and new and old

My baby blue eyes
You dont know

I tried so hard
to catch your star
but now i see
you dont shine for me

My baby blue eyes
you dont glow

Chorus
--------------
Oh no no no you dont
yeah you dont
i know


thats all i have right now but any opionions would be useful
(the rhyme scheme my look a little repetitive but the melody makes up for it)
#3
Quote by BLinkBLonk
hi this is a song im working on thought i could get some opionions
its kind of a slower acoustic song


Verse
Like pools of pain
and drops of rain
like hot and cold
and new and old
I'll start out by saying this rhyme scheme is childish and I don't like it much.

My baby blue eyes
You dont know
This is okay.

I tried so hard
to catch your star
but now i see
you dont shine for me
This is okay, too. I mean, it's not great, but it works.

My baby blue eyes
you dont glow
This is okay.

Chorus
--------------
Oh no no no you dont
yeah you dont
i know
Bland

thats all i have right now but any opionions would be useful
(the rhyme scheme my look a little repetitive but the melody makes up for it)

Those are my thoughts, they probably aren't much. There's not really much to work with. Overall, it's not a terrific piece, in my opinion. I'm sure you could do better. Crit my song? Blue Idle Hands,
the link is in the sig.
#4
I like its simplicity, its very nice so far. I like the first verse, its interesting. You used rhyming and actually sounds nice and flowy, not forced.

The only thing I'd change is maybe

"but now i see
you dont glow for me" I think it sounds better

and then you'd probably have to change
My baby blue eyes
you dont glow

to something like

"My baby blue eyes
from long ago" I realize that changes the repetition thing you had going with the "you don't", its just a thought. I like it more this way - you may not. Is there going to be more verses or anything?

The chorus seems really simple, but if you sing it well, it could be very powerful. I like most of it so far.

Crit back please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6912432#post6912432

PS I don't think you're supposed to bump your own threads, but maybe I'm wrong.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
I agree the simplicity of the song is nice and would probably sound good sung to a girl or something which is always useful.
#6
Its a little simple but it seems like thats what you were going for so it works.
#7
Is there anyway you could record it so we could hear the melody im interested now.....