#1
Unspoken Words Tangled Within Unwritten Verses

A metaphor would have never been enough
As verbose analogies stay misunderstood.
A rhyme or two would have only made things hard.
?Cause the verbs don?t say as much as they should.

But there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.

Another personification that fell
short of manifesting human qualities,
maybe only because it was too perfect,
was scribbled out; replaced with realities.

And there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.

I could never put my dull pencil away.
I failed to set a mood in my stories.
The rhythm didn?t want to stay with me.
It told me I was getting old and boring.

That?s why there's no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all have ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Sep 26, 2006,
#2
Hi, thats definately an interesting approach to writing. I've seen people attempt this sort of thing before, but not with much sucess. Yours, I like

I really like the
"And there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong."

Some of it just seems akward, probably due to metre EDIT: Ok so those both have 11 syllables. I don't know why it sounds akward to me, it just does.
ex.
Another personification that fell
short of manifesting human qualities

Quite a bit of your piece was done like this, so I'm assuming you're aware of it. But still, it just seems wierd. Care to explain the reason for writing this?

Thanks for interesting and different read. Check mine out if you get a minute please.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6912432#post6912432
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
Last edited by iain4444 at Sep 26, 2006,
#3
That?s why there's no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all have ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.


those 2 little stanzas or whatever you want to call them were awesome!
i like the way it rhymed but the rhyme wasn't annoying it just seemed to go right along with the peace. I also like the title alot.
#4
Quote by iain4444
Care to explain the reason for writing this?


OK the reason i wrote this? Two reasons: 1)i've found myself in a... love story, if you understand, for the last 10 months about... and since then i only write about her. Love songs, heartbreak songs, even non love songs im thinking about her, so i just wanted a simple thing to write about not inspired by her 2)i took a state test at school today, a state reading/grammar/lit. test, so all of this was in my head while i wrote it during the next class. yeah... thats the reason

hey thanx a lot for the crit,

ill get back to yours hopefully...
#5
This piece is breathtaking. Some of the lines in this really made me think twice about if every approach has been taken to expressing ideas.

But there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong.


The words in the first line of this stanza seemed to start out like they could evolve into something cliche and very mainstream. But the second line in this stanza totally glorifies this piece and makes it shine. What a "beautiful" stanza this is.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.


I'm not totally sure why, but this stanza has some personal value to me. I can't figure out why...anyway, this stanza totally hits me in the face, and is very powerful. Again, "nothing left to say" seems like a cliche phrase, but when used in this context, surrounded by such excellent words, it doesn't matter. The first line in the stanza is probably what gets me the most, though. An amazing way to metaphorisize a common feeling, "no one cares" Amazing job.

Stanzas 1, 4, and 7 are all immaculate. I'm not going to crit them individually, however, because I couldn't really put anything other than "OMG AMAZING!" Well, there's only one bad thing...I can't give you more than 1,000 stars for each one... sorry mate

Perfect work. I love this style of writing, and you hit the nail on the head with the sledge hammer. Not to mention, I can relate to a lot of the feeling in this piece, so it makes it all the better.

Could you please be so kind to crit one from my sig? You can pick any one to crit, but please don't crit "That Someone". Thanks, and good job!
#6
yes sir i will... tomorrow, both of yours, cause i got somn to do now... i will crit tomorrow, promise
thanx a lot for crits
any more?
#7
I hearby officialy and completely agree with Lespaul Rentals. To quote meatloaf "you took the words right out of my mouth"

I smell an impending deluge of poorly contrived "songs" that rip off the lyrics posted here... The scent is growing stronger...
#8
Quote by Brokenkingdom
I hearby officialy and completely agree with Lespaul Rentals. To quote meatloaf "you took the words right out of my mouth"

I smell an impending deluge of poorly contrived "songs" that rip off the lyrics posted here... The scent is growing stronger...


*sniff sniff* I smell the plagaristic demons rising from the depths of poetry hell. That's the smell...we must battle them before this work of art is destroyed...
#9
Very good.

Two standout lines:

"But there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong."

As has been said before: Rarely to those little fills inbetween stanzas get me like this one did. It's really good.

"No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say."

Also, very good. Good way to end.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#11
I quite liked it. Some very memorable turns o' phrase throughout. You seemed to tend towards a set meter and rhyming pattern for a lot of it, but then for some parts of it you just didn't and that disappointed me. You could've tweaked the meter to be nearly perfect by adding/removing just a few small words in the right places; I felt it a shame you didn't.

In terms of content I felt the strongest parts were the couplets and that the quatrains were just...not as good. Heh, I'd be hard pushed to really explain why I felt that way, though. You're treading pretty clichéd territory here, also. I dunno if that's any help to ya.
Pretty enjoyable, all in all, I felt. Hmm... any chance of a mere bump on the one in my sig?
Cheers, Ro
ρ
#12
Quote by AmplifySilence
Unspoken Words Tangled Within Unwritten Verses

A metaphor would have never been enough
As verbose analogies stay misunderstood.
A rhyme or two would have only made things hard.
?Cause the verbs don?t say as much as they should.

This reads.. somewhat oddly? I'm not sure, I think some of the words just don't go together, it has a clunky sort of feel to it.. Nice ideas here though. And you're.. personifying verbs, which seems clever.

But there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong.

Good.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.

First line flows fantastically, has a great stressed/unstressed feel to it. Second line just didn't flow as good.

Another personification that fell
short of manifesting human qualities,
maybe only because it was too perfect,
was scribbled out; replaced with realities.

Again, flow suffers a bit here. This writing about writing idea needs to be continually clever or it will just feel pointless and tedious, which I think it begins to do here.

And there was no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all had ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.

I could never put my dull pencil away.
I failed to set a mood in my stories.
The rhythm didn?t want to stay with me.
It told me I was getting old and boring.

oooh, four short lines just does not work, not with four full stops. Yes, maybe you were trying to play a paralell with the idea of boring and rhythm not staying, but you could have done it more subtly than this, it's quite poorly done.

That?s why there's no need for me to write a beautiful song.
We all have ?beautiful? wrong.

No one ever heard my rhymes or cared to read the broken lines.
So watch my words tear away until there is nothing left to say.


So, some nice ideas but I don't think you managed to keep it witty enough the whole time through. With some revision on flow and some r ewording you'd have a nice piece here.

Jamie
#13
Scouser: i do have a set meter throughout the whole thing, and a rhyme scheme too. (stories and boring are supposed to rhyme...) I know it seems off beat but look for it... and thanx too

Jammy: thanx, i didnt actually like the last verse either... that ll get changed, the rest ill revise, see what i can do...