#1
As we all rise in tune,
In tune to the rising Sun,
We realize that we're missing,
Just missing someone.

[chorus]
So on this day,
My heart shall die,
Seeing you with him.
And I hope someday,
You'll change your mind,
And come back for one more swim.

All I wish is to turn around,
To turn around and see,
Why the hell you decided,
You decided to leave me.

How could you go,
Just go and break my heart?
Now I see they were right,
Right from the start.

[chorus]

[guitar solo]

[chorus]

Now I see you with him,
Talking; holding hands.
And it reminds me,
Of how we used to wander in those lands.


Crit, new name?
Something?
#2
Quote by Forgive'nForget
As we all rise in tune,
In tune to the rising Sun,
We realize that we're missing,
Just missing someone.
Hm, I don't like how you do the "in tune, in tune to the rising sun" and "we're missing, just missing someone".

[chorus]
So on this day,
My heart shall die,
Seeing you with him.
And I hope someday,
You'll change your mind,
And come back for one more swim.
My heart shall die seems too dark for this. The only part I really like about this is the "come back for one more swim".

All I wish is to turn around,
To turn around and see,
Why the hell you decided,
You decided to leave me.
How could you go,
Just go and break my heart?
Now I see they were right,
Right from the start.
It's too straight-forawrd. I don't like the crudeness of "Why the Hell", either. Also, I don't like "just go and break my heart? Now I see they were, right from the start." Too straight forward.

[chorus]

[guitar solo]

[chorus]

Now I see you with him,
Talking; holding hands.
And it reminds me,
Of how we used to wander in those lands.
This is okay. I like "how we used to wander in those lands.

Crit, new name?
Something?


Add more imagery and make this with more metaphores. It's way too straight forward.
Crit my song?
Blue Idle hands.
Link in sig.
#3
Thanks.
Yeah, I know it's not perfect.
But it's kinda hard to write songs like this for a metal band.
>.<
Plus, I don't usually write our songs, our lead guitarist does... I'm just trying to help.

And sure, I'll crit.
Last edited by Forgive'nForget at Sep 26, 2006,