#1
Free verse, just wrote it. I will crit for crit if you leave a link.


Seas of glass, shattered by steel
Metallic glares as I float on the surface
Gracefully gliding toward the jaws
Threatening to end my existence

Churning waters as the frothy beards
Are neatly trimmed by razor-sharp hearts

No doubt, they were sharpened by your hand
No doubt, they were sharp, but now so dull

Break my dreams; a tedious task, needing
More than a stone, to ripple seas of glass
#2
Cool! I find it neat that you ended with the same 3 words that you started with. Uhmm, I don't really think I can find anything that I would change in it - its great. I was going to mention the metre being off but its free verse

Churning waters as the frothy beards
Are neatly trimmed by razor-sharp hearts

Those 2 lines are interesting, good imagery, well thought out.

If I had to pick something I didn't like it would be these 2 lines
"No doubt, they were sharpened by your hand
No doubt, they were sharp, but now so dull"
They aren't as well written (IMO) as the rest.

Very good work overall though. Crit back please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6912432#post6912432
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
I'd have liked to have seen the whole sea/boat theme you had going early on being linked to throughout the piece, if it ever became a proper piece, that is.

It's hard to critique free verse, because, heck, it's free to go wherever, I suppose.

So, flow was pretty iffy throughout, and some of the lines just didn't sound like they went together nicely:

Metallic glares as I float on the surface

Was a prime example of nasty sounding lines.

That's pretty muc it, it's a short and free piece so there's not much to crit.

If you could get back, latest is in my sig. Many thanks.

Jamie
#7
its an ok piece.I love your last two lines here ...very cool....hope you add a lil more so I can crit a lil more.....you got my attention..........now what?
#8
its an ok piece.I love your last two lines here ...very cool....hope you add a lil more so I can crit a lil more.....you got my attention..........now what?
#9
I like it alot bro.

the only thing I can say is that I hate the word frothy...but it does fit well in the context.

besides that its pretty ace, the last two lines are genious. care to let me in on what its about? (check back at mine, I explained the metaphor)
#10
It's basically about the dreams, the things you imagine, the fantasies you wish for, being crushed, and the storms that follow.

Thanks for critting back.
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Oct 1, 2006,