#1
Okay, here's what I have so far. It isn't much, but it's what I've ben able to do. I'll post the finishing touches on later. If anyone can think of a good riff, let me know!

You don?t really trust me,
Never given me a chance,
White lies is all you see,
Please just try to understand.

PRE-CHORUS:
Here we go,
Once again,
Please don?t let this be the end.

CHORUS:
Baby, what do you expect of me,
Tell me all that you want me to be,
Cause I?m here, and I?m listening,
Just tell me, I?m waiting.
Don?t know how to say those words,
Can?t make them be seen or heard,
But I?m here, and I?m listening,
Baby, here, I?m waiting.
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#2
You don?t really trust me,
Never given me a chance,
White lies is all you see,
Please just try to understand.

Mediocre opening, it doesn't really draw you in. The stanza itself is fairly cliche. The last line is very weak, and, once again, cliche.


PRE-CHORUS:
Here we go,
Once again,
Please don?t let this be the end.

Weak; it would work as a pre-chorus but, weak.

CHORUS:
Baby, what do you expect of me,
Tell me all that you want me to be,
Cause I?m here, and I?m listening,
Just tell me, I?m waiting.
Don?t know how to say those words,
Can?t make them be seen or heard,
But I?m here, and I?m listening,
Baby, here, I?m waiting.

Fairly cliche, but a lot more interesting than the first two stanzas. I thought the "Don't know how to say these words/Can't make them be seen or heard" was a rather good two lines, definitely the best two lines in the entire piece.

Sorry I had to be so critical to this piece. I found it really cliche, though, and somewhat (although not completely) slow-moving and boring. If you wanted to write a country/acoustic rock song with these, they'd probably work for you, but don't expect to portray a love story in a new approach with these.

Could you please crit one of mine? Thanks.
#3
Kinda so-so. Doesnt really do or say much...I noticed you have afew songs on here,just a reminder your really only suppose to post two /week. Someone may report it and they (U.G) might lock them up and keep you from posting for a week.
It may also be the reason your latest efforts dont read so well. In this case ,quality is better(and preferred) than quantity. So Id suggest take your time and maybe wait till your song is pretty much complete before posting. Able to read the whole song makes it easier to crit. Anyway...how is Dont Break Away coming along,though only the chorus last I checked,I feel thats your best so far....good luck
#4
its coming along well! thanks! Lol i hope it will be really good soon thanks again!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#5
yeah, what they said.
spend more time developing your songs. dont say wahts happening, say what you are thinking and feeling through literary techniques (aliteration, metaphor, imagery etc.).
at the moment it comes across as weak and poppy and just generally lacking substance.
keep at it tho.

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#6
Okay here's what I've got so far:


  C       Cmaj7   A2

e-0-0-----0-0-----0-0--------------|
B-1--1-1--0--0-0--0--0-0---0-0h1---|
G-0---0---0---0---2---2---2-2---2--|
D-2-------2-------2--------------2-|
A-3-------3-------0----------------|
E----------------------------------|


That would be the intro, then I'd recommend strumming C, Cmaj7, A2, A2, for the verse when you're singing. That help any?
#8
Quote by ninjuice
would work as an acoustic song. but you need a second verse and bridge


also, not bad. Keep writing
#9
thanks! yeah i do need a little more for it, but ill get it i hope! lol thanks again!
cHEER uP, eMO kiD!
#10
You don?t really trust me,
Never given me a chance,
White lies is all you see, Uhm, "is" should "are" there, unless you did that on purpose. It sounds pretty wierd like that though.
Please just try to understand.
An ok intro, did you do the metre like that on purpose?

PRE-CHORUS:
Here we go,
Once again,
Please don?t let this be the end.
This could sound great if it was a musical build up part that breaks into the chorus or something

CHORUS:
Baby, what do you expect of me,
Tell me all that you want me to be,
Cause I?m here, and I?m listening,
Just tell me, I?m waiting.
Don?t know how to say those words,
Can?t make them be seen or heard,
But I?m here, and I?m listening,
Baby, here, I?m waiting.

Thats a nice ending, wraps it up effectively. That being said, its a some what cliche idea. Some of the time your metre is wierd, other times its perfect - explain? Its a decent piece at the moment, but I wouldn't call it finished. I'd love to hear it if you get the music worked out for it, that could make all the difference. Thanks for critting my piece
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour