#1
On the way.

Theres a condor
Made of tin
Fueled by heat and engines
It's a workhorse
Made by men
To carry all his treasures in

Open hands
Feed today
Steal the very life you pay.
Tilting sands
Feed your ways
Pray they'll spare a few more days

Alone I have said
What will the future bare?
How true are the dead
If noone hears thier tale?
And on the way back home
And all the way back there
What was it that I said?
It's that the end is almost here.

It's a symbol
Made from skin
It covers up the state you're in
Without a thimble
You fear the pin
This prick of blood will never end

Alone I have said
What will the future bare?
How true are the dead
If noone hears thier tale?
And on the way back home
And all the way back there
What was it that I said?
It's that the end is almost here.

Alone I have said
What will the future bare?
And on the way back home
And all the way back here
What was it that I said?
Is the end almost here?
What was it that I said?
We are all so close to death.

EDIT: All useful crits are welcome and there will be an effort made to return the favor!
Last edited by Brokenkingdom at Sep 26, 2006,
#3
This is a great piece. Great usage of words. I'm in love with the chorus. You express emotion well too. I would definately give this a 9/10. It would be a 10/10 if I could hear some music. If you could crit my work (Conquistador), I would appreciate it. Great job dude.
#4
I think this piece is very original. The flow seemed good to me, and a lot of the metaphors/imagery were quite intriging.

The line:
This prick of blood will never end


...is that a correct usage of the phrase "prick of blood?" You would know better than me, because you wrote it; I've just never heard it used that way.

Overall, good piece. Enjoyable.

Return the favor, please? Links are in sig.
#5
Initial impressions:

1 & 2) Perhaps what immediately hits me is the simplicity and repetition of structure in the verses. Generally speaking, it lends to a very structured feel - in this situation, considering the lack of meter, the feel seems to cramp the exploration of ideas and description, as the major focus repeats in accordance to the poem's structure and not the natural flow of concepts. Hence, the basis of keeping a spine running through the lyric - the thesis of the lyric, if you will, with appropriate transitions that smoothly separate one thought from another - is discarded for structure. This builds into point number...

3) Three. There's a distinct lack of unity between the verses and chorus, also, due to each verse taking on a specific set of images, yet not connected to strengthen the piece as a whole. Naturally, you can do this numerous ways, but it would be prudent to remember to be subtle.

4) Diction's a bit uninspired. Of all things, the verbs really don't add anything besides only the very basic actions, primarily due to their lack of connotation and specificity - "to cover" can mean a great many things in a given context, where something along the lines of "to plaster" gives an added degree of exposition concerning the strength of bond, permanence of state, et cetera. A great culprit of this the verb "to be" - which is a great verb to use when appropriately either used in a simple fashion or as a description of existential state. Also, the tone is fairly ambiguous, simply because there isn't a great deal of highly charged words to point out one reaction to the subject over another.

5) The question-based chorus is a little played-out... It's apparently become the staple for alternative lyrics, which is a little disappointing. A single question asked is enough to direct the attentions of the audience, being best served where you'd like it... However, too many questions in close quarters to each other, essentially, water-down each question, as the audience isn't given time to consider each question. Also, while a question may act akin to a foil to reveal subsequent truths, it ought to be considered something relative to a rhetorical device (if it's a rhetorical question, then it already is...).
#6
Amazing, I loved the wording, especially in the chorus. I'd really like to hear a recording of this.
edit: and if you wanna crit mine the links in my sig.
nothing to see here
Last edited by Seiko-Unleashed at Sep 28, 2006,