this is the first song ive ever posted/written so tell me what you think


Have fun in Hell (who cares?)

Verse 1

The first time I said I love you

I looked deep in your eyes

3 and a half months later, those eyes were full of lies

When you told me, I let the tears freely flow

And I just wanna let you know


I hope you think he's worth it

I hope you think he'll be there

When it all falls down, was it worth it

You know what, I don't even care

Verse 2

Now he's gone and you're all alone

I know just how bad it hurts

It cuts straight to the bone

Well soon you'll move on, and find someone who cares

(spoken not sung) But you know what? It sure as hell won't be me

Chorus x2


When you lay there in bed and think about him

And hope that you drown in your tears tonight

He's a thousand miles away with another woman

He just told her he'll love her till he dies

Chorus x2
I stopped reading somewhere in the first verse as will a lot of others. Without going back to read it I bet I can tell you a few things you need to work on. First stay away from the cliches. Second read some short stories and poetry because you probably need to work on how you describe things. Remeber "Show don't tell". And lastly try not to force rhymes.

As it turns out I was right. After actualy reading it I have some more advice, your chorus should be a building block or a culmination of the song the peek of it's energy. Try to make your chorus really drive home your point and jam pack it with all that pent up emotion you have and let your verses build up to it!
^ What Brokenkingdom said +1

This thing really bored me. Sometimes I enjoy reading cliche things, such as your piece, but I personally couldn't stand this one. Even if all the ideas a piece conveys are cliche, if you throw in at least an occasional image or poetic device, it makes the reading a lot more interesting.

Now, that said, this piece was overly cliche. It sounds like you turned on the local pop-rock station and copied down some lines. I'm not saying you did, don't get me wrong, but you might as well have.

I like the theme you have going, to be honest. I feel that some of my best pieces have been inspired by the same thing you were inspired by...girl problems. I bet if you asked some of the best writers here, they'd agree. However, while you can be inspired by love, girls, etc., you have to break the mold and portray it in a non-cliche -- or at least, interesting -- way.

Here's an excerpt of an email I sent to someone who wanted advice on how I wrote some of the stuff I did...

you're off to a good start. You obviously like to write and are inspired by a girl/girls. That right there is perfect. It's almost impossible to hope to get better at writing if you can't find your own inspiration.

People sometimes ask me, "Where do you get inspiration from that makes your lyrics so unique?" To tell you the truth, I gain inspiration from the very same things other people do. I sometimes gain inspiration from nature or spiritual issues, but almost always am inspired by a girl I wish I could be with, or a relationship issue. Some days, I feel crushed and sad inside, and it's those times that I find it best to write. I also find it extremely productive to write at the time of night where I feel tired enough for my eyes to close on their own. I'll grab a Coke for caffine to keep me awake a bit longer, then start writing.

What will trigger me to come up with a great idea for some lyrics or a poem is just one line. I thought of the line "Nero of My Heart" and started writing what I think is a decently good piece. A lot of people liked the metaphor in that work, as well.

Another thing I find that helps my productivity is reading my other writings. I used to tear off a piece of paper, and write, then lose the paper, and not really care. But I got a notebook from my grandparents a while back. It's battered and torn, but it has 30+ pages of poems, lyrics, freewrites, and notes. I read those all the time. It helps me clear my head if I'm depressed, and sometimes I'll see a word or a line from one of my freewrites that will make me think, "I'm feeling so bad about this girl, I'll write about it, using this line, or this comparison, in the piece." A lot of my stuff came about that way. The more you write, and the more you keep in your book, the more ideas you will be able to transmit to paper.

I hope that helped. If you need any more help/tips/crits, whatever, PM me, okay? I'd love to help you.