#1
I swear, Lynette, I can't do this anymore
Don't think I'm doing it because I like you
I don't
I do as my board of circuits tells me

Who knew that I'd be able to pull together
some emotions out of these electronic pulses
It makes a robot wonder, as much as one can
what is an emotion if my programmed heart
can emulate it, and my iron lungs can breath
a sigh of relief as you pull through the flatline

We can still love each other, Lynette
We'll get you a Sony deck, and a new
pair of trodes, the ones that make you look
so peaceful, reclining in the chair, your eyes
moving under the closed lids, breaking through the ice

How I wish I were doing this for the rush
But my AI tells me otherwise:
I need more electricity to survive
I don't like it, Lynette, but I know I need it
4 more years in this construct
4 more years until we can be together
4 more years of the first electronic depression
I don't like it Lynette, but I'm wired that way
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Sep 27, 2006,
#2
Few people listen to Men at Work, but I can't help comment that it sounds like a mixture between "Helpless Automaton" by Men at Work and Cavalier love poetry...

I'd almost say that the confession ought not go first - yes, it's an apt attention-getter, but the breaks in that stanza seem to lend themselves to a more awkwardly structured poem as a first stanza, and, therefore, first impression. (On this, I would say that awkward structure would actually be beneficial to play with in this sort of situation - yes, the flow ought to remain fluid, but breaking up the lines might yield an effect of physically representing the speaker directly in the poem, or lyric, via structure.)

In this situation, try to play with your words - the whole thing is something relative to an epistle, but doesn't give any specific quality that ought to separate it from simply being prose. Spice it up, if you will - more flavorful diction (it wouldn't hurt to throw a couple technical terms in there, going even further than "Sony deck", et cetera - just don't go overboard) is a fine place to start.

Up the stakes - really emphasize the speaker's lack of control over the situation. Especially in order to make the repetition at the end and confession at the beginning more easily supported, a strong emotional tie to a lack of control will turn up the cooker, so to speak. (The thought here is that there really is emotion involved - after all, you are giving a human voice to a "robot". The content needs a persuasive quality in order to correctly convey tone and mood, whereas the physical qualities are more malleable to the writer's will.)
#3
Easily one of the most helpful crits I've ever had. Thanks man.

For the "Sony deck" thing, I was going to put something else, but it seemed too overboard. I was pretty much taking some tech terms from Neuromancer (by William Gibson), but I thought they were too much: Simstim (Simulated Stimulation), Hosaka, Panther Modems. I'm gonna try to rework it to get those things in.

I'm really gonna try to refine this piece. Normally (the people that know me here might know this) I would just have a bunch of idea's and then write them down into something somewhat coherent, and then I'd post. I usually had the intent to come back to it, and fix it. But I never do. I really want to change that with this. Especially since you gave such a good crit. Thanks.
#5
yo.

I love the metaphor man, it's a great concept and its very well done, the only thing I can say is that it seems to lack a little emotion...maybe thats what you were going for since being emotionless kinda fits with the concept? mostly thats just my personal preference though...I really like writing with ALOT of emotion. I say if youre pissed, frustrated, depressed...etc. show it as much as you can. I actually just read the last crit and what I'm trying to say is basically along the same lines of his last paragraph...I'm just not as good at saying it. so yeah bro, great work, if you want to improve it, listen to that dude. ^ he seems to know his sh t. peace