#1
Oh Starlight...

The stars seem so distant tonight
As your body pirouettes in the sky
I cant seem to take my wanting eyes
Off of you...

Oh Starlight...

From constellation to constellation
You swiftly move without hesitation
Your beauty serves as a guiding beacon
To those who are lost..

Oh Starlight...

Now I have found myself
Once again enthralled by your pressence
The essence of your beauty so soothing
That it can soften even the hardest of hearts..

So tonight Oh starlight
Im asking you ever so politely
With all the sincerity found in my heart
Will you let me shine bright by your side tonight?
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#2
Quote by Emery17
Oh Starlight...

The stars seem so distant tonight
As your body pirouettes in the sky
I cant seem to take my wanting eyes
Off of you...

Love the word "pirouttes" here. However I think you could possibly improve the first line imagery to make it a little bit less cliche.

Oh Starlight...

From constellation to constellation
You swiftly move without hesitation
Your beauty serves as a guiding beacon
To those who are lost..

I'd like to see the word "contellation" just the once, so as to not dampen the effect of such a mystical thing. "Beauty" seems cliche in a piece mentioning stars.

Oh Starlight...

Now I have found myself
Once again enthralled by your pressence
The essence of your beauty so soothing
That it can soften even the hardest of hearts..

"presence", I believe is the correct spelling. Again, I have problems with "beauty". "essence" is nice here. I still think you could strengthen your message though, I think your getting to lost in your beauty imagery and such.

So tonight Oh starlight
Im asking you ever so politely
With all the sincerity found in my heart
Will you let me shine bright by your side tonight?

Nice internal rhyme in the first line (ooh Irony). "Politely" though sounds forced, you don't need it because of the first line. Kinda cliche last line, perhaps you could think about changing it round so as to sound more original.


Overall, a fairly decent and solid piece of writing, while not inspiring or charging my emtions as it could, was still a nice read.

If you could, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.

Jamie
#3
Its a nice poem, "swiftly move without hesitation" ... dont care for this line,seems something more meaningful could have been here....other than a cliche or two,its well done....Cheerio!