#1
I wrote this song awhile ago and just wanted to get some opionions....

Fraud

Verse---

Heed what you say and take the blame
I know your a fake you wont escape (its what you are)
F*** your pride you know im right
Assholes sometimes live but they always die

Chorus
Fraud
Stay away from me
Fraud
Youll get no sympathy
Cause ill be here and youll be gone
and ill be happy then
so go burn down inside your arrogance

Verse
YOu take what you need but you dont need ****
You think your a thorn, your just a prick (its what you are)
You think you dont fit in but your so wrong
ANd i know ill be cheering when your gone

Chorus
----
Solo
first verse
end

so anyways tell me what you think
#2
Quote by Shippy7789

Fraud

Verse---

Heed what you say and take the blame
I know your a fake you wont escape (its what you are)
F*** your pride you know im right
Assholes sometimes live but they always die

Surprisingly I think this works quite well, it suits the style and sets the tone for the rest of the piece. One suggestion is that the phrase in parentheses slightly ruins the flow, but it's up to you what you do with that

Chorus
Fraud
Stay away from me
Fraud
Youll get no sympathy
Cause ill be here and youll be gone
and ill be happy then
so go burn down inside your arrogance

I would lose the second "fraud" unless it is sung by a backing vocalist. I would probably lose or replace the last line as well because it ruins the flow and doesn't really make sense. perhaps if you re-worded it or tried to make it last two lines? Otherwise it's fine

Verse
YOu take what you need but you dont need ****
You think your a thorn, your just a prick (its what you are)
You think you dont fit in but your so wrong
ANd i know ill be cheering when your gone

I think that this is not as good as the first verse. It just needs to be rewritten I think. "You think you're a thorn"? Who thinks they are a thorn? BUT, it was a clever play on words; so, reword it and make it last the first 2 lines of the stanza and you're onto a winner. The final two lines are OK, but just that. I think the 4th line would work better with a stronger 3rd line

Chorus
----
Solo
first verse
end

so anyways tell me what you think


Overall, a solid piece, which despite not being my sort of song, manages to convey a real sense of anger whilst not being cliched. I like it and look forward to seeing it redrafted at some point
CINDY
#3
pretty good it seems like a fully thought out song. One question though: is it a punk or metal song?