#1
"Ignorance"

I smoke a pack a day
as my confidence fades me,
can't control the way
my life's obliterating

Strike the match
to the stomach's burn,
spewing up
as I crash the turn

The lights are red
as the card and flag,
yet I speed ahead
and take another drag

Take it away, take it away,
this unending marble play
Bounce my head into another tack
the craving fades as my eyes go black

Scratch and scratch
the bleeding rash,
inhale once more
the fumes, the spores

Ignore, ignore


Guitarist for 11+ years
Bassist for 6+ years
Drummer for 5+ months

PSN account - DeadAimHeadshot
#2
i liked rhyme scheme it was a bit hard to get in the first stanza but its not bad i would do something with this part:
Take it away, take it away,
this unending marble play
Bounce my head into another tack
the craving fades as my eyes go black
somethign about it just didnt seem to go right
#3
that part you said work on would be in a different style and rhythm than the rest sung, like an interlude type thing


Guitarist for 11+ years
Bassist for 6+ years
Drummer for 5+ months

PSN account - DeadAimHeadshot
#4
i liked your song, i think it's very well written. This was my favorite part

I smoke a pack a day
as my confidence fades me,
can't control the way
my life's obliterating

don't change a thing

and please crit mine! it's called "it's not a broken heart, it's a heart attack"
...."this is what's best for me, for you, for us, or maybe just for me", i thought...
#5
thanks! I'll try and get around to yours!


Guitarist for 11+ years
Bassist for 6+ years
Drummer for 5+ months

PSN account - DeadAimHeadshot
#6
i like this alot. love the rhymining very good. i'd say maybe put some more into it, such as incodents or something or a setting
#7
very catchy, a bit short...

you could add more too it, and talk about what the character in the song is doing.

Unless you want to make it a metal song with a lost of musical break downs, and changes...
#8
yeah it is short, but when i write music to songs the riffs and solos take up alot of room and most are hard to be sung over, and they add up to over 8 mins long alot of times.


Guitarist for 11+ years
Bassist for 6+ years
Drummer for 5+ months

PSN account - DeadAimHeadshot