#1
Hey guys thanks for the crit on the last one hopin for a bit more. the intro and the chorus are sung kinda slow while the verses are a little bit faster with brief breaks for the pauses so no one gets confused tryin to figure it out.


I've never asked for one thing
but oh i need just one thing
take back your mercy before me
and leave me for that which you see

You tell me its the right direction
I don't need your meek protection
So if you want to stick around and wait

I now have fallen, gone from this
Positive evolve, but first regress
I'll let you stay there, wonder at the gate

Cause nothing's ever felt so real
underneath this vail of lies
I'm existing in this limbo
between the tears and the highs

I'm not minding the dissolve
not if it leads to my resolve
if it ends this constant ****ing of my mind

That gate between my head my heart
will not stop but never start,ed
to release the feeling I could never find

Nothing has ever felt so real
underneath this vail of lies
I'm existing in this limbo
made from my failed attempts to try
Last edited by timesup114 at Sep 28, 2006,
#2
I've never asked for one thing
but oh i need just one thing
take back your mercy before me
and leave me for that which you see
i think that the repeating of "one thing" is kind of bad...

Cause nothing's ever felt so real
underneath this vail of liews
I'm existing in this limbo
between the tears and the highs
now this could just be my poor english but is liews a word? if so then i take this back but yeah i dont know... i didnt like this part at all... to be honest


I'm not minding the dissolve
not if it leads to my resolve
if it ends this constant ****ing of my mind

ive always thought that its best not to curse in a song/poem/whatever... it makes you seem fake in my opinion... there are lots of ways to say something and cursing just is a poor way of doing so..

overal i think this piece needs a lot of work... you have a great start but now you should work on making it more original and i also think you should focus less on making everything rhyme... not every sentence has to rhymes with the previouse one... just work on it some more then it can be a good song/poem/whatever

Steph
Boo!
#3
hey thanks i know the intro is quite dreadful writin its a little better when sung but i need to tweak it and liews is actually just atypo i changed it now its lies. Thanks for the crit i ll see if i can change what i agree but the curse stays its tacky only when its used for the sake of a cuss word not when it serves a purpose there is a little too much stigma with oh its a cuss word if i use it i ll be cool o i cant use it its a cuss word just think of it as a sense of a wrod and you probably like it more. Oh and the rhyming i was working with different rhyme schemes for songs this is jsut the first one i finish thats why every verse has a A-A-C then B-B-C then a chorus thanks agian
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#4
Sometimes repeating a line isn't always bad. And in this case, I would say that it fits. You have decent rhymes. My favorite stanza is the last one. It's beautiful.