#1
Here's something kinda old, and FUNKY!!

Haven't written much of late so touched this up a tad and decided to post it. I like it, but then I like my writing, hehe.

Obviously I can more or less predict what peopoe are going to say about this. Remember, it's a song, not a poem, and it's funk. I'm thinking a really dirty bassline and some nice wah guitaring.

Crit for crit.

Enjoy


Seventeen so you didn't know any better,
Twenty-five and you're still a bed wetter,
Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter,
Looks like you're giving up when you've gotta give to get her

What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
Set in stone you're still unkknown today

Playing hard so you're gonna walk away the winner,
Cooking hotter so that you can take her out to dinner,
Building up to the time your gonna spend within her,
Started thick so you know you can't get any thinner

Hey hey hey,
Oh woah,
Hey hey hey,
Oh yeah,
Breath in deep,
Don't walk away
Hear the black sheeps bleat,
Now you're gonna stay
Hey hey hey,

What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
Set in stone you're still unknown today

Seventeen so you didn't know any better,
Twenty-five and you're still a bed wetter,
Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter,
Looks like you're giving up when you've gotta give to get her
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 27, 2006,
#2
Its not too bad at all. Its sort of odd becuase so much of it is repeated, but I guess if the music is interesting that won't matter.

I liked the
"Seventeen so you didn't know any better,
Twenty-five and you're still a bed wetter,"

but "Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter," sounds forced and unnatural.

My favourite line is "Set in stone you're still unknown", it flows really well. But I don't understand why you say "Relatively speaking," its just wierd, doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything?

The Hey and Woah part has potential to be amazing if sung well and with lots of emotion
It seems pretty much done, maybe change a few things though.

Crit back please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=439585
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
Hey sounds like something the chili peppers would've written back when they were a bit funkier, I can almost hear Kiedis singing it to me inside my head^^

Anyway I kinda agree with iain444 about the trend setter line, would consider changing it if I were you. Otherwise than that, it looks perfectly fine to me. Also I quite like the "relatively speaking" actually. It doesn't make much sense in that context, but hell funk's never been about making sense either
Would love to hear this with music, be sure to post it somewhere on UG if you decide to record it will you?
the show must go on.
#4
Yes Chili's would be a big influence here.

And yes, someone who understands funk isn't about pretty words, just about feel and fun.

Thanks everyone, I wshall try and critique back.

Jamie
#7
Really cool stuff. I can definitely tell you are a Chili Peppers fan by a good margin. That would be great if you could pull this song off with a great melody. I enjoyed reading this one a lot because it's different than what normally gets posted on here.
#8
Wassup. hey i was thinking punk but i think funk works.

I'll start off with the verses. I really enjoyed the smart rhyming in it. Also really like the "giving up... give to get her" line. I guess the previous lines set up for that one cause maybe the rhyme scheme doesnt work for me in the first three but then it dous at the end. aslo some smart lines in the other verse

Now the chorus atart off perfect, loved the flo. amd you make the flo even better with the rhyme. it all worked perfectly, just didnt get the preaching line. it seems like preaching is out of place as a word. I dont think it belongs, the rest is great though

Now the bridge didnt work for me lyrically. i mean itll work as a bridge, but the truth is that "whah" and "hey" isnt lyrics. but i guess it works considering it is a song.

But really overall i loved it

please crit back in sig
#9
I really liked this one. I liked how upbeat it was especially the chorus. Well I cant really offer any constructive criticism besides on the second stanza you can do without the today after repeating Set in stone you're still unkknown in the end.

I would love to hear this as a song, while I was reading it I can imagine the bass line and the wah guitar as you described it
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#10
I like it. One change I would consider is that to me the line "Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter" might flow better as "Thirty-four, never been a trend setter" but then I don't know how you plan to sing it but maybe something to consider.
UG 83
#11
Thank's eveyone, I will try and get back tomrow, I'm not in th ebest of states at the moment.

Jamie
#12
^^ like some of them said, slapping and popping bass would be really great for this song. It's a very light song with meaningful lyrics, good job!
#13
Seventeen so you didn't know any better,
Twenty-five and you're still a bed wetter,

Wow, wow, wow. Right off the start, you had potential for a great opening, but this is very forced rhyme, not to mention both lines seem a bit weak and immature.

Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter,
Looks like you're giving up when you've gotta give to get her

I like the last line. Good repetition of sounds.

What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
Set in stone you're still unkknown today

Eh, it's decent. Nothing special, especially with the first line of the stanza. Very cliche.


Playing hard so you're gonna walk away the winner,
Cooking hotter (What the crap, "cooking hotter?" Very forced word, out of place.) so that you can take her out to dinner,
Building up to the time your gonna spend within her,
Started thick so you know you can't get any thinner

This sounds like something a kid would write. The flow seems childish. I don't really care about that, personally, though. What bothers me is the forced rhyme. It just seems so...weak.

Hey hey hey,
Oh woah,
Hey hey hey,
Oh yeah,
Breath in deep,
Don't walk away
Hear the black sheeps bleat,
Now you're gonna stay
Hey hey hey,

Interesting use of "the black sheeps bleat." I kind of like the metaphor here. Too bad you did nothing with it but instead filled it with random hey heys.

What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
What have you done today to take away the pain
Set in stone you're still unknown
Relatively speaking,
You gotta stop your preaching,
Set in stone you're still unknown today

Seventeen so you didn't know any better,
Twenty-five and you're still a bed wetter,
Thirty-four yet you haven't been a trend setter,
Looks like you're giving up when you've gotta give to get her

You repeat the weakest stanza. Bad ending. At least end it with the second stanza. It was the only decent stanza I could find.

I didn't like it that much. The title, "Black Sheep", was the best part of it. It made me excited for a metaphor or simile, or at least something out of the ordinary. I was disappointed. The entire piece was cliche, and very similar to songs I've heard on the radio as of late. I'd recommend rewriting it.
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Sep 29, 2006,