#1
As we all rise in synch,
In tune to our rising Sun,
We realize there's an empty hole,
We're just missing someone.

[chorus]
So on this day,
My heart shall die,
Seeing you smile, holding him.
And I hope someday,
You'll change you're mind,
And come back for one more swim.

All I wish is to turn around,
To set my sights and see,
Why the hell you left me here,
And tossed me, tied, into your sea.

How could you go,
And break my only heart?
Now I see those fools were right,
Wiser ones from the start.

[chorus]

[guitar solo]

[chorus]

Now I see you with him,
Talking; holding hands.
And it reminds me of how,
We used to wander those lonely lands.
#2
I dont know man, I see in your 2nd Verse you have referance to water..."TOSSED ME ,TIED,INTO YOUR SEA" But not one in your 1st Verse,where I think you really need one to make it make more sence when you hit the end of that chorus, and other than the 1st Verse being only 4 lines...its pretty good.
Last edited by LaLaLaLoopy at Sep 28, 2006,
#3
Quote by Forgive'nForget
As we all rise in synch,
In tune to our rising Sun,
We realize there's an empty hole,
We're just missing someone.

[chorus]
So on this day,
My heart shall die,
Seeing you smile, holding him.
And I hope someday,
You'll change you're mind,
And come back for one more swim.

All I wish is to turn around,
To set my sights and see,
Why the hell you left me here,
And tossed me, tied, into your sea.

How could you go,
And break my only heart?
Now I see those fools were right,
Wiser ones from the start.

[chorus]

[guitar solo]

[chorus]

Now I see you with him,
Talking; holding hands.
And it reminds me of how,
We used to wander those lonely lands.

hi
for me it was all a bit to obvious, i coulda guessed the rhymes before i read them. that is not a major crit, because i do think the song is 70% done

As we all rise in synch,
In tune to our rising Sun,
We realize there's an empty hole,
We're just missing someone

this first verse is good, i agree with LaLaLaLoopy about the water reference.
maybe give it a rewrite and post the results. I look forward to it.

good luck
#4
Yeah, well, it's better than it was....
It was WAY too obvious, then Dustin (my lead guitarist) helped me revise it.
So now I think it's alright, I'm considering changing it up a bit like y'all said.
So yeah, if I do... I'll post it.
Thanks!
#5
Hmm, what about this for a first verse?

As we all rise together,
In tune to that rising Sun,
We look out unto the waters,
Seeing what we have done.

And then add this before the chorus:

We realize what's happened now,
We lost someone dear,
We lost them to the waters,
But now wishing they were here.
Last edited by Forgive'nForget at Sep 29, 2006,