#1
wow. i haven't posted lyrics here in a while, but here goes (crit for crit btw):

What does this hierarchy teach?
What does this hierarchy preach?
Speak the damned
Speak and Spit out riches.
Silver spoon in her mouth makes
for great conversation.
When you have money,
Who needs religion?
Gums don't stop. Fever doesn't stop.
The ignorance of the idiocy.
It's the liquor we're really here for.
That, and eternal salvation.
But aren't they the same?
Aren't they the same?
You can control my mouth with the
Press of a button.
Reap my rewards.
Silver spoon in her mouth makes
for great conversation.
Silver spoon in her mouth means
eternal salvation.
This flesh does not belong to me.
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Give and take.
Take and give.
It's all the same.
#3
i'd like to know the inspiration behind this, it has an underlying bitterness which gives it edge.

i'd also like to know if its a poem or a song, it reads like a poem so if it is to be a song maybe more structure is needed. maybe a more noticeable chorus, i realize this maybe conforming to much if you set out only to make a statement.
#4
I thought it was good as a poem. If you want it to be a poem.

I like the repeating. Makes those sections more serious.

Crit. Budding flower.
#5
At first I was skeptical, but after I read the whole thing, I really enjoyed it. Its a really interesting piece with some great lines. Good job

I didn't really like this line though "Speak and Spit out riches." It doesn't really seem to fit, even though its a free verse type deal.

Some lines I really enjoyed were

"When you have money,
Who needs religion?"

and
"Give and take.
Take and give.
It's all the same." Its a great ending. Honestly, I'd love to be able to give you something constructive, but there isn't really anything for me to prey on. Its pretty quirky, in a good way - and seems very open for interpretation. Good one!

Crit back please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=439585
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#6
I liked it too. I liked the way the rhyming here works, and its flo is pretty nice, as well as the words. They're actually the kind that makes you think about it... i foumd the words in the first 4 maybe even 5 lines werent that great in my opinion, though. but the rest of it turned out really good and it ended up lifting up the first 4-5 lines. Specially towards the end, this was rellly good.

hey, please crit mine, the latest in sig
#7
yeah this song is actually about how a minister at my local church turned out to be taking our donated money and spending it on his daughter to help her with her medical problems, but then afterwards he still just kept all the money for his family.

i think people wouldn't have been aggravated at him so much if he had just said in the first place that the collection was to help his daughter in the hospital. but people are twisted.