#1
I know it isnt great...but it is the first that ive written through and through. I'm really happy with some parts, other parts i need to revise and re-write....but you'll get the general idea of it from this. It also has a specific way to be sung, so if it doesn't sound "right" to you, don't worry about it too much.

I'm mainly looking for comments on the lyrical value, rather than the rhyme scheme, blah blah blah. If your gonna critisize, PLEASE make it constructive...


Look Inside-

Im still cold, you know its true
But you dont see I need love from you
I don't want to play this painful game
Over and over it ends the same

chorus-
Look at where we are,
two souls fighting just to hide our scars.
Alone again, we still pretend
that this hurt will never end
but if you look inside, you will find
that I will never leave you behind

I'm lonely, what should I do
I can't keep asking for love from you
You know me, even a bit to well
thoughts of you make or break my hell

bridge x2-
If I lose my mind, I'll still be fine
You have left a heart where my hole was

I'm getting tired, but I'm not through
someday I will get real love from you
I can still try, stay up all night
I won't give up without a fight

Chorus x2-
Last edited by Eskimohoe at Sep 27, 2006,
#2
harsh i know...but ur vocabulary is.............boring spice it up a little. keep the same theme (which i can totally relate to) but put some...class into the lyrics! nice start
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#3
I agree. You might want to force yourself more onto the page. Bleed the emotion onto it. But it is good in that your concept seems befitting. Just try out different words. Just paint a picture with your words.
#4
....Ya O K its simple,and though lyrically weak,your coming through loud and clear.I love the "thoughts of you make or break my hell" line. maybe the strongest line in here. Not a bad song,just needs depth......