#1
heres one of the songs i have written. tell me waht you think of it.

That night you killed me
What were you thinking?
Broke my heart and threw away
You cheated
You killed
Murder in the night
Tell me what you will
Why would you tear us apart?
You threw it away, now your lying
there all alone.

(chorus)What were you thinking?
Please just tell me,
Tell me what you will
How could this be
What were you thinking
that night with him
What were you thinking?

Lost in thought, how can I cope
I don?t understand
These feelings I hate
Never to love again
Another just like you

(chorus)

I shouldve never loved
Never shouldve loved
Its this that we discover
The unimaginable
Torn apart
Broken at the seem
Never, never love again

(chorus)

your lying there alone
im crying here tonight
murder will come again
like the virus you are
killing one by one
tearing hearts apart
tempting with love
#2
Don't take offence to anything I'm about to say.

This is incredibly cliched and It just seems like your repeating the same thing over and over. Your writting is actualy pretty good but everything else is bad. Sorry for being harsh
#3
Cliche. Emo. Lame. Bad. No syllabic structure. Sorry.
Quote by spazzymagee417
i would pay more for a midget corpse than an average size corpse
Last edited by Tedrick at Sep 27, 2006,
#4
The "Never shouldve loved" partis redondant.... I would replace it....
Quote by ironman1478
im romanian and am offended. most of the people in romania make americans look like autistic kids on ritalin
Quote by ProfessorJim
I'm autistic and on ritalin and am offended. Most autistic kids on ritalin make americans look like romanians.
#5
hey thanx for the criticisme. its alright i want it to be a good song not a **** one so ya thanx. haha i changed somethings up not much though. just lil things. redontant is a good word so i used it. haha heree it is again:

untitle

That night you killed me
What were you thinking?
Broke my heart and threw away
You cheated, killed
Murder in the night
Tell me what you will
Why would you tear us apart?
You threw it away, now your lying
there all alone.

(chorus)What were you thinking?
Please just tell me,
Tell me what you will
How could this be
Tell me was I on your mind
that night with him
What were you thinking?

Lost in thought, how can I cope
I don?t understand
These feelings I hate
Never to love again
Another just like you

(chorus)

I shouldve never loved
Put my trust in you
Its this that we discover
The unimaginable
Torn apart
Broken at the seem
Never to be redontant

(chorus)

your lying there alone
im crying here tonight
murder will come again
like the virus you are
killing one by one
tearing hearts apart
tempting with love