#1
Oh my god.
we have found the miracle drug.
a cure for the common state of mind.
feed (shit) to the hungry.
(glass) eyes for the blind.
take your pills. shut your mouth.
the sober are the enemy
the concious are the dangerous.
we must give them new eyes
before they open their own
spill the blood of the masses
before we are exposed
thank god for hidden agendas
god bless the color green
heaven for those who create hell
jesus christ, or a product of greed?
there is a figure from the past
he tells us of death
we are the cadaver
ebrace the conformity
we are the mindless
the proudest of liars
we are the comfortable
we are the promise
of a perfect society
where no one will ever have the burden
of thinking for themselves
of cutting thier own wrists
or eating thier own shit
our plates are full


crit for crit
Last edited by alexisonfire478 at Sep 28, 2006,
#2
I got a a good image in my head, but it was just an image. I think what this piece is lacking is any dynamic. It didn't really bring a string of images to mind, or make me think of some kind of plot. Personally, that (and creativity/originality) is what I like in lyrics, and that is what was lacking. I'd like to see this go somewhere though.

My piece needs some lovin'
#3
hey man, thanks for the crit I see what you mean...its kinda just rambling and doesnt really go anywhere. I'll work on it, & crit your peice ASAP
#5
wow..... sounds so........ angry.........

Sheesh.....
Quote by ironman1478
im romanian and am offended. most of the people in romania make americans look like autistic kids on ritalin
Quote by ProfessorJim
I'm autistic and on ritalin and am offended. Most autistic kids on ritalin make americans look like romanians.
#7
I don't get the "God bless the color green" part change it tosome thing like.......never mind.....
Quote by ironman1478
im romanian and am offended. most of the people in romania make americans look like autistic kids on ritalin
Quote by ProfessorJim
I'm autistic and on ritalin and am offended. Most autistic kids on ritalin make americans look like romanians.
#8
I d also ad some choruses and verse and.....organization of somee sort........
Quote by ironman1478
im romanian and am offended. most of the people in romania make americans look like autistic kids on ritalin
Quote by ProfessorJim
I'm autistic and on ritalin and am offended. Most autistic kids on ritalin make americans look like romanians.
#10
i like it alot.
nice flow, nice use of words.

love this part:

the concious are the dangerous.
we must give them new eyes
before they open their own


i'll think about posting some of my work but for now i got nothing for you to crit.
#11
I thought this was well written, alot of tongue/cheek lines that make you wonder..."take your pills,shut your mouth, the sober are the enemy" were my favorite lines....nice writing.
I just posted "Fly High" would appreciate your crit.
#12
very well written, but i can see this as a song that can cause some controversey... i LOVE IT!

-feed (****) to the hungry.
(glass) eyes for the blind. - my favorite lines
#13
^ yeah man I was kinda hoping it would cause a little controversey, that would be fun I guess so far no one dissagrees with it?