this is one of my first songs i rote ages ago:

all this time
he has tried
but when he heard
he culda died
how culd she
die inside
when i told him
he just broke down and cried

he gets in his room
and locks the door
seaches his bag
then on the floor
sees that blade
the day he died
was long before today

time to end the day with another suicidal fate

its too late
his stomachs saw
stuff that kills
he drank it all
he doesnt
even know
exactly what he did it for

no more pain for
him tonight
no more sleepless
or empty nights
in his head:
this is right and
to me your everything
but i am just another friend to you

time to end the day with another suicidal fate
This was very cliche and forced rhymes abound throughout the piece, but I actually kind of liked it. It had a somewhat decent (if not interrupted at times) flow, and the thought behind it was good.

I'd suggest you rewrite this piece, but keep the same idea and theme. Write using better words and avoiding cliche statements, and this could be a really good piece.