#1
Walking down the pavement, of democracy street. I'm afraid to turn the corner, cautious of who I meet.

There is a threat
There is a motion
To put society in commotion
But it ain't your usual suspect
It's the one who thinks he's perfect
The one who's in command
the one who'll crush the uprising
he's got the army at close hand


It's a chanting punk song.
#2
[its ok. you have definatley picked the right genre for your lyrics. the rhyming scheme is sweet and not to cliche.

There is a threat
There is a motion
To put society in commotion

i like this part, its a cool statement
#3
Thanks Sambora for being the only one to crit this, appreciate the comments.
#4
i like how you dont add lines of filler just to make it longer. it's a common mistake that you didn't make.
#6
Quote by ss311

Walking down the pavement, of democracy street. I'm afraid to turn the corner, cautious of who I meet.
Very nice opening, just change I to I'll, for grammars sake.

There is a threat
There is a motion
To put society in commotion
I would reverse the order of line 1-2. I prefer motion-threat-commotion over threat-motion-commotion. Thats just my opinion though =P

But it ain't your usual suspect
It's the one who thinks he's perfect
Very nice, good rhyme.

The one who's in command
the one who'll crush the uprising
he's got the army at close hand
I dont not like the ending, but I'm not too crazy about it either.

As far as the song as a whole goes, I like the brevity of it, though I feel it could go more in depth.
Also, as far as the rhyming scheme goes, originally it is:
ABBCCDED or something like that. Basically you rhyme two consecutive twice in a row , then you rhyme every other line. With my suggestion for the opening verse, its:
ABACCDED
which I like better, just for the 2-1-2 pattern.

Thanks for a good read.

If you're going to crit back, Dusk is my newer composition, I'd prefer a crit on that. However both have only been critted once, so either is fine.
#7
Walking down the pavement, of democracy street. I'm afraid to turn the corner, cautious of who I meet.

Not bad at all, I kinda like it...

There is a threat
There is a motion
To put society in commotion
But it ain't your usual suspect
It's the one who thinks he's perfect
The one who's in command
the one who'll crush the uprising
he's got the army at close hand

This is pretty good... I like the suspect/perfect line.. it makes a lot of sense, and is somewhat original.. overall I liked it.. it's short, but that won't hurt considering it's a punk song... good job
#8
Quote by hardrock1315
Cool song, ss. Sounds kind of like it could go to like a Dead Boys type tune. Good job.



You got it

Dead Boys indeed. I've been listening to them a lot


I really appreciate all this crit from everyone.
#9
Now I'm getting tired of all this 'political' shit.
You remind me of the Jackson 5 after Michael quit.
There's no such thing as a democracy street.
It's an illusion, created by the globalist elite


Nah I can't be bothered. That was utter shite anyway.


EDIT: To crit you piece: I liked it. You should expand it, maybe work on the rhymes/flow.
Last edited by _Mayday_ at Oct 8, 2006,