#1
heres another one of my songs...not done with writing it...when half in sleep i wrote this...tomm when i wake up ill change it..till then ya'll can have a look and help me...any tips will help...and crit too....

i said i hated her all my life
and that we could never be
but in my sleeP she was my wife
and thats all it would ever be

i don want tis
i don need it
cuz she jus soo damn concieded
they say love hurts
but they're just words
now are sayings to be believed? (here believed pronounced as bee-lee-ved...lyk conceided)

i need her
but still i tease her
in my dreams i wish i could please her
but she just hates me all the same
Last edited by absolute333 at Sep 28, 2006,
#3
I'll do it...

i said i hated her all my life
and that we could never be
but in my sleeP she was my wife
and thats all it would ever be

Ok I thought that this was quite good the only thing I didn't like about it was the lack of punctuation and grammar. You need to put your capital letters in so that the reader (i.e. Me) Can read it easily without losing there place. Over all I thought this stanza was good I particularly liked the first two lines.

i don want tis
i don need it
cuz she jus soo damn concieded
they say love hurts
but they're just words
now are sayings to be believed? (here believed pronounced as bee-lee-ved...lyk conceided)

Again, Same with the spelling and grammar and all that mentioned in the last part. I kind of like this stanza better than the first although I don't like how, in the last line, you put in the part about how believed is pronounced. I like the lines about Love hurts that is the highlight
of this for me.


i need her
but still i tease her
in my dreams i wish i could please her
but she just hates me all the same

This verse is the best part of the poem/song all I have to say on the matter.

Just work on your grammar and that and you'll be a far better writer in no time.

Please crit C'est La Vie in my sig.