#1
kewl dood.

Crit for crit.

The first word spilled out of her porcelain lips
My body turned numb like a paraplegic.
?A little less thought, a little more movement.
You?re slowing me down.? She said with a smile.

A kiss on the lips, a turn of the cheek.
And she walked away from me.
You were the soundtrack to my summer,
But I?m slowing you down, so I?ll get going.

?Will you be coming back to see me??
She says with a forced plea.
I laugh at the thought
As she walks away from me.

Set the tone for the year.
I won?t be near, you won?t be here.
?I miss you? says the antagonist.
As she walks away. I?m done with this.


http://media.putfile.com/Hypocrisy-and-Youre-Ultimate-Flaw

Thats the very beginning of the song they will be going with. It will probably help you get a picture of how the melody goes.

And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
Last edited by fenderfreak101 at Sep 28, 2006,
#2
I think its pretty good. im not sure i get it too well. but i really liked the words. maybe some rythm issues here and there but you can fix that. i like the small alliteration you do in the last two lines of the third stanza... good overall man

plz crit mine... link is in sig
#3
Quote by AmplifySilence
I think its pretty good. im not sure i get it too well. but i really liked the words. maybe some rythm issues here and there but you can fix that. i like the small alliteration you do in the last two lines of the third stanza... good overall man

plz crit mine... link is in sig


Thanks.

If you need a better idea of how the rythm is supposed to go, go re-look at them with the URL I just edited in.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#4
i actually really like it, but it needs a better title and at least something repeated besides the melody. im not sayin to write a whole separate chorus, but the song needs something to be repeated to tie everything together and keep the listener interested. you could make a line at the end of each (stanza? verse? paragraph? section?) and repeat that, but otherwise great songwriting.

?I miss you? says the antagonist. who is the antagonist? if ur creatively choosing to be ambiguous thats perfectly fine i just wanted to make sure u knew it was a little unclear just in case
Quote by RHCP94
funkdaddyfresh is a real American
#5
Quote by funkdaddyfresh
i actually really like it, but it needs a better title and at least something repeated besides the melody. im not sayin to write a whole separate chorus, but the song needs something to be repeated to tie everything together and keep the listener interested. you could make a line at the end of each (stanza? verse? paragraph? section?) and repeat that, but otherwise great songwriting.



Well, that was only the first minute or so, so that will be the verse.

I'm just trying to give a somewhat clear idea of how the lyrics will fit in. There's still a chorus and bridge in the song.

The melody is really slow, and it kind of sounds like a Death Cab For Cutie song.

And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#6
no more?
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#7
you've got some really well constructed lines in there. overall it's pretty solid.
i'd like to hear it recorded or see the actual structure written out word for word how it would be sung. you could a lot of cool stuff with this one.
#8
Okay thanks.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#9
Since you don't have a song, in Original recordings, i'll crit this instead.

I rather liked it, you have a good opening that would get the listener interested.


Set the tone for the year.
I won?t be near, you won?t be here.
?I miss you? says the antagonist.
As she walks away. I?m done with this.


I think this is the strongest point in the song, I love it. I also like the way you've repeated ''As she walks away from me'' is gets across what you're trying to say more strongly. Also the Apostraphes make a change and kepe it intrigueing.

You were the soundtrack to my summer,
But I?m slowing you down, so I?ll get going.


I don't think this bits fits really, but then again I can't think of anything else that could fit any better.

To be honest I see this as more of a poem than a song, its only stanzas, you don't have to write a chorus, but I think a change in rytham would be beneficial.

Its still really good though
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!