#1
Well, this is my first attempt at writing. I am sure my inexperience will shine through, but I do hope I will receive some constructive criticism from this to apply towards future attempts. Be honest but constructive. If you think it sucks, tell me why. Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Crit for crit.

Two rocks, given equal opportunity to speak,
But
neither being the braver.

Instead, each longed for the the other
To say only a word.

As the day passed, their shadows nearly met,
Each wanting to approach the other.
But, neither being the braver,
The rocks danced as such,
Never speaking.

A car suddenly came upon the rocks one day.
Fearing the worst, the rock said to his companion,
"You know, I've always loved the way you dance."
And I being the braver, took the weight of the car,
Having realized too late...

I am but sandstone.
#2
wow i like it a lot......very poetic, nicely written, and tells a good story through abstract figures
"I count the days to find, what was left behind. All of these names I clutch, will lead me to my home. Mothers and fathers start, to drown the living proof.....I cant remember these Lakes of Blood." - Cedric Bixler-Zavala
#3
Atually, It was nice. I read it twice cause I liked it that much. The way you ended it was nice and well I would of never thought of using rocks to tell something. Grade A-wesome.
#4
If you never said you had never written a song before, i would have never of guessed. Very true story (moral wise) we all have let one thing go because we waited too long until it left. Great job A++++!
#5
Thanks for the comments guys! Please keep them coming. I'm sure there are those who don't like it and I would like to hear from them as well.
#6
Yes very unique, your lack of apparent experience doesn't really shine through, the topicality made sure of that...as for the writing, early on it was excellent, nicely broken sentences and the flow wasn't bad. If I had to find fault then id say that "A car suddenly" sounded very childish it your diction, its the word suddenly, it just reminds me of story books. Also dont say "the rock said" say "one rock said" other than that a nice little piece, and definatly something to treasure as a first piece.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
Thanks Hurt. I am a fan of yours so it makes me glad to hear a positive comment from you. I will consider the changes you suggested as I agree with you on both. And, this will be my last bump, I promise.

#8
I don't like your diction, I don't think your words have enough power and really bring the poem (song?) down. I do like the idea though...not bad if your just starting though