#1
hi these are my first ever lyric i wrote for my band and i am more then welcome for comments questions improvements...infact i came here to see if people could help me any help is ver much appreciated.

I?m stuck in this parasite
You tried to play with me
You grabbed for the knife that lonesome night
But things are better if I stay
Chorus:
But I?m cold since that day
You tried hard to explain
I didn?t want you to leave that way
But I messed things up again

We could?ve been together
But now things aren?t the same
You left me here to fade away
I cried for your mistakes in vein

But I?m cold since that day
You tried hard to explain
I didn?t want you to leave that way
But I messed things up again

You leave me here so alone
Your scream?s running through my head
And I give all my thoughts denial
Why wasn?t it my life instead!

But I?m cold since that day
You tried hard to explain
I didn?t want you to leave that way
But I messed things up again (*2)
#2
I'm sort of biased against any song about relationships, I find them all too similar. Putting that aside, I think you could eliminate some of the words. Less, more descriptive words I think would bring out more depth to it. Sounds like a pretty good song to me if you're just starting to write though.
We're only strays.
#3
^ follow his advice lol... i was gonna say something like that... i think you have a good basic song... but try to make it more original...
what kind of style were you going for?
Boo!
#4
well most of my songs (3) are pretty much ABAB style or AABB cause it was what i learnt when looking through lyrics online but looking at the advice here im gonna try and improve on it.

Thanks matyrs prayers for your advice my band and i aprreciate any help but i have made myself think....is this the right kind of lyrics for metal? we are a bit like Bullet for my valentine one screamer one vocalist two solo guitarist/ basssist/drummer. we are hoping to go pro later on when we finish school but i doubt it

anyway anymore advice?
#5
meh fai enough song, the rhyming scheme isnt to forced or cheesy, its just a bit well....meh... Make it interesting, stay away from a boring as hell 4 line ABCB, or ABAB, or AABB, cause its cheesy and annoying.
songs: Left Behind choices
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Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#6
there are some good points, but i didn't really like it; there are quite a lot of cliches. a basic structure is in place maybe a rewrite concentrating on some of you ryhmes might be in order. but having said taht it's your first attempt so it is not too bad.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Last edited by sambora at Sep 30, 2006,
#7
btw change your thread title or it will get closed
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.