#1
And there's something not right in the kingdom of me,
A reign of pure madness and fallen debris;
The answer still circles over my lowered head,
In my heart lies a bullet of solid grey lead
And I walk and I speak and I'm weak from this quest
When under me forms an autumn leaves paste.

And the birds feed on worms with their lives still ahead
And the worms feed on birds that have just fallen dead
And they all feed on me, on my soul, on my all -
It's the circle of seasons and my chosen is fall.
This is not a pipe
Last edited by carmel_l at Oct 1, 2006,
#2
And there?s something not right in the kingdom of me,
A reign of pure madness and fallen debris;

great opening.. got my attention
The answer still circles over my head,
In my heart lies a bullet of solid grey lead
And I walk and I speak and I?m weak from this quest
When under me forms an autumn leaves paste.


And the birds feed on worms with their lives still ahead
And the worms feed on birds that have just fallen dead

i really liked these two lines
And they all feed on me, on my soul, on my all -
It?s the circle of seasons and my chosen is fall.

overal i liked this piece.... i like the idea behind it.
Boo!
#3
And there?s something not right in the kingdom of me, Great first line, wow!
A reign of pure madness and fallen debris;
The answer still circles over my head, Seems like a really odd line, maybe you know what it means, but it didn't jump out at me
In my heart lies a bullet of solid grey lead This line seems too long, the metre is off. Maybe take out the "solid grey", or change it somehow so its 10 syllables like the previous line
And I walk and I speak and I?m weak from this quest
When under me forms an autumn leaves paste.
I like the "and i walk" line, its good - but the last one is wierd. I like the idea, but you worded it really oddly. I don't really know what to suggest to you, I personally think its akward. Great stanza overall though, very impressive.

And the birds feed on worms with their lives still ahead
And the worms feed on birds that have just fallen dead Great pair of lines, perfect metre
And they all feed on me, on my soul, on my all -
It?s the circle of seasons and my chosen is fall. Wonderful ending as well, Very interesting stanza, again with the perfect metre. Real write prowess there. You seemed to have this 12, 10 thing going on in the first stanza (although the first two lines are 12, 11.) It didn't really appeal to me, but its a good idea. I think you know this is a good piece. Thanks for the great read!

I'd love it if you critted my piece https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=439585
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
Very cute, the rhyme scheme was really cute. I kept reading which is a feet in it's own. Congradulations on a ridiculously solid piece, nothing here is overly cheesy, and everything fits perfectly into the context of the poem. The emotions are simple but complex enough to make people think but know how you're feeling. The imagery is abstract enough to let people like me appreciate the absurdness of the event but let the simplier people to understand. :]

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
Quite amazing. The flow is ridiculously good.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Its great. The lines fit together perfectly.
Gear
Left-Handed Schecter C-1 Stealth
Left-Handed Fender Standard Strat

EHX Little Big Muff
Boss DS-2
EHX PolyChorus

Orange Rocker 30 Head

Next Purchases:
Avatar 2x12
#7
Yeah, as Something_Vague said, that was pretty much perfect.

Accesible, but with underlying meaning that you still have to work to find.

Nice work.

Jamie
#9
Great, effective use of rhyme here, espcially in the first two lines; that was my impresion of it. Also, as has been mentioned, the flow was oustanding.

However i hated:
"The answer still circles over my head"

I thought that was awful, really i did.

But that was my only real complaint with this; it's a very good, if simple, piece.

Edit: Please can you crit back from my sig?
#10
In my heart lies a bullet of solid grey lead<-- drop a syllable. or add one above it.

other than that.......awesome.

second half especially.

--jay
VOTE CARMEL FOR WOTM
#11
Thank you everyone.

iain4444 and Jay ( ), I couldn't give up the fourth line for a specific reason but I did add to the third line, so the meter works well right now. I actually like the meaning even better now, so thanks a lot.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#12
Quote by carmel_l
And there?s something not right in the kingdom of me,
A reign of pure madness and fallen debris;
The answer still circles over my lowered head,
In my heart lies a bullet of solid grey lead
And I walk and I speak and I?m weak from this quest
When under me forms an autumn leaves paste
This verse has good imagery and imagination and whatnot, but the fact is, this jst isn't that great of a writing. I've heard it all before, the heart and bullet, and the madness and all. The kingdom of me part is a good opener, but i really dont feel like you did the thing justice, with this, im sorry, but this poor of a following.

And the birds feed on worms with their lives still ahead
And the worms feed on birds that have just fallen dead
And they all feed on me, on my soul, on my all -
It?s the circle of seasons and my chosen is fall.
Again, a good theme, bad projection of those themes, really, i mean, the bird and worm part was imaginative, but the rhyme scheme and lack of actual imagery just ruins it.


Now, ive read some of your other pieces, man, but this is by far, one of your worst ones, i dont really know if at anytime during reading this, i actually enjoyed it. I know rhyme shemes can be simple and can make a song great, but here, it just seemed childish.

Sorry to be harsh, but i would appreciate you checking out the link in my sig
#13
First of all, your critique is always welcome, so don?t feel otherwise even after the following:

You just admitted that the first verse has good imagery and then a second later you found ?the heart and bullet? etc. all too much. I would dare you to find another piece that rhymes me-debris or quest-paste. I don?t think you?ve heard it all before. As for the subject, well we all indulge in clichés from time to time and in all honesty, rare are the pieces that tell about else than love, life and so on.
Now, you have every right in the world to dislike this, but if you?re going to call it ?poor writing? I would expect some more backing.

As for your critique on the second stanza, again, you contradict yourself in saying it?s a bad projection of the theme I was going for and then say that half of the verse is actually imaginative and then retract again and say it lacks actual imagery. What? There is no constructive criticism in your critique whatsoever because you?re not making any sense.
Concerning the rhyme scheme - yes I did use common rhyming here to preserve the ideas and the scheme from the first stanza, I admit. I do think, however, it fits with the piece.

Now, I am not a man, but a woman. Just to be clear.

And finally, I will do my very best to give you a much better critique than the one you just gave me. Sorry to be harsh.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#14
yeah I may not have made myself clear on that, so i bet ill be contradicting myself here trying to explain...

I think you have good ideas, but it just didnt seem original, i dont know if that makes sense, or maybe i just dont like the piece, for some unknown reason, and you were right, my not liking the piece is no excuse to call it poor writing, so sorry about that.

ANd yes, i am looking forward to your infinitely better crit on mine.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Oct 1, 2006,
#16
quest and paste don't rhyme and it really threw me
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in