#1
Hi, I wrote this song a couple days ago and wanted to know what u guys think. It is about a guy who is in love with a girl but knows he can never have her, yet continues trying to get closer to her. I took some time already revising this one, but i need some crits on what you all think. Also, like my other song, i need help determining what the chorus should be, or if i need to write one. Share any thoughts u have. THX.


Killing Me Inside (Distraught)

My heart beats for you, but
My heart tears just a little deeper
Every time
The sight of you is what pushes me towards the end of the day, but
The sight of you is what?s slowly ripping me apart
I am distraught
This love for you is killing me inside but
I push that thought away
Just so I can live to the next day
I know that one day this will catch up to me
And stab me in back
But I will press on, if it lets me see your face
Just one last time
I know we will never be, but
Knowing I can?t have you makes me want you even more
Which leads me to ask, while I look through the glass
At a reflection of my torn and tattered self
What kind of man am I to embrace what destroys my soul?
What must I be to rip out my own heart and leave an empty hole?
Can I be considered sane?
I am distraught
#3
well, first off there doesnt seem to be a very good flow,having your shortest line followed by your longest doesnt work well.Also I think theres too many "I"s here. comes off as kinda needy. as a song there is no rhythm here to tap your foot too that I can find anyway. maybe a little rhyme would help too. Id rewrite this keeping the same idea though. My latest is "Fly High" your crits appreciated.
#6
im still trying to figure out what should be the chorus actually, or if i just need to write one.

I dunno, maybe i will keep it as an all in 1 song.