First off, some background. For years I've written poems, keeping them in notebooks, as many poetically-inclined individuals do. These have formed the majority of my onstage songs. Now for this song, this is a piece I found buried in a notebook I filled last year, and I happened to chance across it the other day.
Of course, my ability has increased since I originally wrote this, so its going to need some huge tweaking. Anyway, I decided to try out internet based critique on this piece, instead of doing it mentally then feverishly trying it at a gig.
The subject matter is Dorian Gray, a literary figure, and the basis for the Narcissistical complex, something I've been massively interested in for many years.

Anyway, to the poem/ lyric. The band's music, by the way, is reminiscent of such bands as The Clash or The Libertines.

To remain never older
Rather berevity of youth
Orphaned by the dueller
The ignorant cur

Oh Dorian Gray
Your looks are so today
Oh Dorian Gray

---A second verse may be appropriate here in a song----

Oh Dorian Gray
Your portrait is so away
Oh Dorian Gray

(Ohhh) Your Scarlet Lips
(Oh-Oh) Your Golden Hair
(Eeee) Your deepening eyes
(Ahhh) Your aging shadow!

Oh Dorian Gray
Hanging with such splendour
Oh Dorian Gray

You think you're ****ing Dorian Gray

Its not my best work, I admit myself, but I thought I'd attempt to revitalise some of my overlooked pieces, and see what variety that adds to the creative process.
Ryming Gray with day just like the libertines did :P.

Its quite good but i think the swear word at the end demeans the rest of the lyrics.

Jax leaves to listen to The libertines - Narcissist
Oh yeah, I just noticed that day and Gray thing. The Libertines' Narcissist is a good song in my eyes, though largely because of the subject matter. I think it must have been on my mind at the time of writing.

As for the swear, hmm. See, on paper it does look hat way, however I generally do that line half out of breathe and exasperated at the end of the song. It does work in the "studio", but I will consider alternatives prior to going onstage.
Anymore comments on this? (I don't know the policy on double posting here, please correct me if you shouldn't)