#1
I'll return whatever you give me on this. I've been an awful person lately, and the few things I want is acceptance on the place that I've trusted with my thoughts and feelings.

<3 you guys.


Into The Atlantic

i felt the apology like a heartbeat, the
waves of lipstick and washed out words
that breathe down warm necks and stitched
wool sweaters that have worn cotton patches
sewn into them. My fingers were plucked from
The blue denim that had engulfed them for years,
Soft, smooth, quiet hands that told stories of
Lonleyness and bitter jealousy. We connected
Life lines in an effort to make this last a little long,
but the only thing left twined together were the strings
on our jackets.

i held onto the whisper of summer that hid in your fingertips,
those trembles and quakes that made you shake violently while
you slept on my bed. I questioned life, logic and love while
your eyes were closed to whatever American Dream your sleep
had you believing was real. We rode on canoes that night,
The water was pulsating to the filigree fog clouds that
Made the moon fade and the overcast comatose clouds speak
A little softer. And I've found that reality is only there
when you're dreaming of it.

I grew telephone wires from my eyes in the hope that looking
at you will connect us to the same dial tone. I looked lost.
I was lost. I am lost on the atlantic coast of piano strings
That fled deep into the morning on broken down box cars.
The roads were muddy and the skies were morose.
I wanted to watch planes fly through the sides of
Mountain tops. I felt like the only disaster to bring us closer,
Was the trauma of a funeral or a wedding.
I wore my favorite pair of denim that day, and my brown jacket.
I looked no different than the day we met, and these days,
these days, things have changed. The boats have broken down into
Driftwood and the box cars have molden behind petrified logs. There are
mounds of turpentine that soaked from my telephone wire eyes into the atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Sep 30, 2006,
#2
I like... but it seems like you wrote a poetic paragraph and pressed enter at rather random spot...

acoustic guitar to go with it?
#3
i have a very methodic way to my line breaks, theres a reason and a system I use when I write prose in lines. It's not random, but thanks.
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#4
Very poetic. Regretful. But i dont think you need so many "into the atlantic" lines... very much overused.

First link in sig.. Leper, please.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#5
i felt the apology like a heartbeat, the
waves of lipstick and washed out words
that breathe down warm necks and stitched
wool sweaters that have worn cotton patches
sewn into them. My fingers were plucked from
The blue denim that had engulfed them for years,
Soft, smooth, quiet hands that told stories of
Lonleyness and bitter jealousy. We connected
Life lines in an effort to make this last a little long,
but the only thing left twined together were the strings
on our jackets.
Great opening. It flows so well and although I doubt that it went through many changes and rephrasing, it feels very polished, complete. Just a few comments, loneliness is misspelled (sorry, I know it?s an awful thing to pick on) and I am not sure where you were going with ?last a little long?. I loved the final line.

i held onto the whisper of summer than hide in your fingertips,
those trembles and quakes that made you shake violently while
you slept on my bed. I questioned life, logic and love while
your eyes were closed to whatever American Dream your sleep
had you believing was real. We rode on canoes that night,
The water was pulsating to the filigree fog clouds that
Made the moon fade and the overcast comatose clouds speak
A little softer. And I've found that reality is only there
when you're dreaming of it.
I?m pretty sure you didn?t mean ?than? in the first line. If you meant ?then? - ?hide? is in the wrong tense. If you meant ?that?, then it should be ?hides? or ?hid?. Anyway, I think you need to work on that one. I really like the sentence ?I questioned?? but I do think that it?s phrased a bit awkward, perhaps because it runs a little long as well. I like the meaning behind it though. The rest of the stanza is absolutely beautiful.

I grew telephone wires from my eyes in the hopes that looking
at you will connect us to the same dial tone. I looked lost.
I was lost. I am lost on the atlantic coast of piano strings
That fled deep into the morning on broken down box cars.
The roads were muddy and the skies were morose.
I wanted to watch planes fly through the sides of
Mountain tops. I felt like the only disaster to bring us closer,
Was the trauma of a funeral or a wedding.
I wore my favorite pair of denim that day, and my brown jacket.
I looked no different than the day we met, and these days,
these days, things have changed. The boats have broken down into
Driftwood and the box cars have molden behind petrified logs. There are
mounds of turpentine that soaked from my telephone wire eyes into the atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Into The atlantic.
Beautiful stanza. The best one by far. I think ?hopes? should be in singular form in the first line. Great flow between lines 2 and 3. Nice touch on lines 7 and 8. I?m not sure what you meant by ?molden? but I?m pretty sure it?s not a proper word. The last lines needs to be ?telephone wired eyes? in my opinion, just by what you went for in the first line of this stanza. In any case, my favorite one.

Well, Matt, what can I say? It seems that when you drop all the eccentric imagery and surreal scenes, you can still come up with something as wonderful as this. I hope to see more pieces like this from you, stripped down to the nakedness of raw emotion. Simply great.


If you?d like to return this critique, this is my latest: Kingdom of Me


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#6
I like the use of enjambment in here. You use it a lot better than I was ever able to. It read a lot more like a poem, in my opinion, but it was a good read nonetheless.
#8
That. Is. AMAZING. Wow. I'm in awe, and I've got that writerly jealousy that's whispering to me, saying "why didn't YOU write that...?"
Beautiful. The last stanza's metaphors got a little confusing, but that's a very minor problem. It's unbelievable.
Only thing, though, the title is bad. It's not right for something so beautiful to have a title like that.
#9
hmm, not gonna do a full crit here, but i will hit on a few key points...

I know you said that your line breaks were from design, but if you hadn't said that, i would've thought you put them in randomly when you were drunk or somthing.

The alliteration in the line about life, love and logic is very good. same with the one about comatose clouds.

The line about the telphone wires and connection, while well written, i just cant help but feel that it is a little too childish for a piece as serious as this.
Also, the title, using the word douche-bag seems a little teenagish and not at all mature and not at all fitted to this piece.


This is a good piece but...definitely not your best.
#10
I like it, It needs an acoustic guitar in it.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
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Quote by WCPhils
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#11
I don't think I comment on your pieces, purely cos I don't want to look like a kiss-ass.

But this showed that simplicity rocks. Personally, the lines breaks worked for me, I think the piece flowed, I don't understand what method you have to them but I think they work.
There wasn't much fault here - probably the least intimidated I've felt when reading apiece of yours, and something I can get on with.

Jamie
#13
As (mostly) always, this is pretty effin good.

Although, this doesn't hold a candle to some of your other stuff.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
I don't know what that says, I think it personally says that you're a douchebag trying to "defeat me."

Because delusions of granduer, like "besting" me, by getting my thread locked will somehow in your mind, make you look like the smarter and stronger person.

Well, I edited my thead, and since, one can not change the title of the thread after someone has posted, so, inherantly, you lose. I can't change the title of the thread, but at any time can I change the title of the poem.

Go back to ripping off Me, Blake, Landon or Jude.

oh, and if you ment it in a good way.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#17
Anyone that used the word "Twould" in anything they've written can not logically be better than me.

Period.
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#19
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
your poems suck dick
Matt is Art says:
yeah?
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
yes
Matt is Art says:
who are you?
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
someone
Matt is Art says:
well until you're named, your opinion is void.
Matt is Art says:
<3
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
makes sense
Matt is Art says:
yeah it does, because until someone worth having a name, says something about my poetry, I don't care. You don't have a name right now, so thusly, you're noone and your opinion reflects that.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
just be aware that your poems are random ramblings and you try to sound like you know what you are on about
Matt is Art says:
it's called stream of conciousness
Matt is Art says:
made popular by
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
yes and i hate that ****
Matt is Art says:
Hemmingway
Matt is Art says:
I hate your **** too buddy.
Matt is Art says:
<3
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
its stuff people right in the middle of the night when they are half awake
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
It's a 'why the **** did i write this' kind of poem
Matt is Art says:
I don't know how to put this, so I'm just going to put it bluntly, you are a dumbass. I don't know if that was too, stream of consiousness for you, but...you're a dumbass.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
k
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
poems suck truly suck tho
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
nice try tho
Matt is Art says:
Your opinion has no valid bearing, do you know why? You didn't even know what the **** my writing was called, you're scared to say your name, and your poems are probably so ridiculously bad it's embarrassing.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
probably
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
?
Matt is Art says:
okay then we agree
Matt is Art says:
:]
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
probably
Matt is Art says:
I think I love you.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
Maybe you should find out what that is
Matt is Art says:
Not until you find out the deffinition of poetry.
Matt is Art says:
But I guess you never will, because the chemical in your e-mail probably stands for My Chemical Romance, and we all know their writing is top-notch.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
it can be whatever the hell you want it to be, even if you want it to be crap
Matt is Art says:
so does your ass hurt?
Matt is Art says:
because that must have stung alittle pulling that giant wad of bull**** out of it.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
No, we all know that they are classed as 'emo' and don't want to be heard listening to them
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
nah your ass is designed to have **** pass through it
Matt is Art says:
okay, so I guess that makes you, 1/4 bull.
Matt is Art says:
How's the intergender life treating you?
Matt is Art says:
I mean, I don't **** bull****.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
fun
Matt is Art says:
So I guess since your ass, was designed to **** bull****, that makes you a bull right?
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
of course
Matt is Art says:
I mean, I'm just going off what you tell me.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
now thats ****ing poetry

"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." just sent you a Nudge!

Matt is Art says:
No, that's honesty, you know what else is honesty. You ****ing suck at life. You will have no ****ing future, you only percieve what art is by what you enjoy and you enjoy meaningless, trite, ****. You can not appreciate the randomness of life because you have a boring mundane one. You sit at your ****ing two story house, and you sit and bitch about how much everything everyone does suck.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
wow its funny how people like to let of steam rather than block me when i randomly insult them
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
bungalows ftw
Matt is Art says:
yeah, it's also funny when I get 10-15 of these a day, and 40-55 fan mails a day. You're nothing.
"Until the very end of me, Until the very end of you....." says:
things kind of do suck
Matt is Art says:
You're not even original at being an asshole.
Matt is Art says:
Yeah tell them to pyschiatrist.


I get 10-15 of these a day. I get about 40 fan mails a day.

Anyone want to fess up to this one, be the trend setter?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#20
To be honest, I find randomness pretentious and acting is if it were clever, a lot like modern art, something can't really touch you without a meaning, unless you interpret a nonexist meaning out of random nonsense
#21
How the hell can someone not pull a meaning out of this. You have to blind, seriously, I've been posting here for two years now. Two whole years of my life I've sat and posted every poem I've written on this site.

And people still can't understand the definition of a metaphor, who the hell are you people, it's baffling. B-a-f-f-l-i-n-g.

So like, if you assholes want I spell the entire thing out from now on.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#23
It's not news.

Chill the hell out.

There's obviously meaning behind the work, like in modern art, which you've wrongly defined as pointless.
#24
Lawl, they've known that, for awhile now. Please, please, leave kiddo, you have no business in my thread.

It's amazing to see the new people come in, and try to attack me, on being a jackass.

I've been like this for two years, lil' tyke, and it is not changing. So yeah please leave, I'll even get Alice to delete your spam posts.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#26
Why do you kids start **** with S_V?

Honestly.

Commiserable.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#27
kids? I'm older than him, and I'm sick of self obsessed people who think they've got everything figured out. I'm saying the whole vague thing is an illusion that makes the writer look smart, when there is not much skill to stringing together two words and making your own metaphor, I suggest this guy quits and does something useful
#28
I love this so much, it brings back memories of the old days.

I also love how all the regulars are giving this kid advice on not to take me on.

God I love this place.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#30
Quote by ThePerfectDrug
kids? I'm older than him, and I'm sick of self obsessed people who think they've got everything figured out. I'm saying the whole vague thing is an illusion that makes the writer look smart, when there is not much skill to stringing together two words and making your own metaphor, I suggest this guy quits and does something useful


What the fvck do you think writing is for? why the fvck do you think audiences read writing?
is it just so they can read something pretty? fvck no. is it just to act smarter/make themselves smarter than they are? fvck no. is it to show little pricks like you that you have no chance to make it in life? {even though it should be} fvck no.

The reason we write and the reason we read is to discover and excavate specific things that may lead us to a truer meaning of 'life' and 'truth'.

Like it or fvcking not man, matt does this. Every time I read one of his pieces or talk to him I learn something new about the 'world'. This time I learned that most people are arrogant assholes who must insult Art because their elitest parents never taught them how to converse any other way.

Now look beyond everything I just said, look at the inspiration behind each poet's words. Each time a writer truly writes a piece of himself is impended upon it. Matt has been here for two fvcking years, by now his entire life story should be woven into his work. And you, you fvcking n00b sonuvabitch dares to come into this sacred place and not only desecrate the reason behind writing but also the entire life of a fellow human being... actually, scratch that, Matt was right, you are no human being ThePerfectDrug, you are absafvckinglutely nothing.

have a goddamn nice day.


{just a note to you: dont take on Matt directly, he will take you apart and rape you... in a bad way.}
#33
While this is really amusing, I do have to say: do you actually have a constructive point concerning the written work?

What you've described, thus far, as a problem is generally defined by most scholars of the English language as being subtle and using metaphor, which are actually usually applauded...
#34
You regs are seriously annoying. Stfu.

Matt, you're far from being a bad writer, but don't fool yourself, that doesen't make you a good person.

I'm curious to see the size that hole will have when you'll finally get your head out of your ass.

Stop being so pretencious. And careful about your arguments. If you don't consider hate messages by people that you judge ignorant about poetry, then stop rubbing your dick with fanmails from people that don't know anything more about it.

Seriously. Oh and sorry for not commenting on the poem.
#36
Quote by circular.parade
You regs are seriously annoying. Stfu.

Matt, you're far from being a bad writer, but don't fool yourself, that doesen't make you a good person.

I'm curious to see the size that hole will have when you'll finally get your head out of your ass.

Stop being so pretencious. And careful about your arguments. If you don't consider hate messages by people that you judge ignorant about poetry, then stop rubbing your dick with fanmails from people that don't know anything more about it.

Seriously. Oh and sorry for not commenting on the poem.


I never claimed to be a good person, infact, quiet the contrary, I know I'm a horrible person, I'm a douche, I'm cocky, I'm constantly bitter and jealous.

I also don't remember when you got the balls to judge my personality. Last time I checked this is a writing forum, not a judge matt's character forum. So why don't you pull your own head out of your self-righteous ass and realize that you're probably no better than me.

I experience everything else does, except, I don't hide it away behind being nice and righteous.



lick my balls.
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