I just wrote this song for my band.
The Vitamins.
Umm...I guess just tell me what you think if you don't mind?

Sunshine embraces the railing of the sidewalk
A cold breeze shuffles the scenery
The skyline is mystical
A moth on a branch is floating back into the wind

And you think it's so relaxing
so sensational
But everytime you wake from your dream
it's dead

The saliva drips from her lips
and it tastes of champaigne
She talks to me softly
As she touches my face
Her hand falls to the table
Perhaps I've made a mistake

A slight chill climbs down my neck
And tears my spine open
The grave diggers are here
And I can hardly imagine
How it will feel to kill again
But I won't quit

The blood trickles down my hands
and tears my flesh open
I kiss her tears
while I cut out her throat
And she finds it so unbelivable
So unbearable
But how can I quit
When I'm at the top of my game?

The sweat pours from my brow
where it breaks down like rain
The dirt starts to gather
and I roll her into the grave
I touch her one last time
For her angelic embrace

will this haunt me until I take her place?
um... thats a little scary. Good story telling structure. I think itd be a little better if i rhymed some.
Wow...that's a little frightening, but interesting. I'm just curious what would the music sound like? Anyways, I agree with the guy above me, a little rhyming would help, the imagery is pretty good. Kinda chilling, but good.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep