#1
Okay, this is the first thing I wrote so far. I hope you guys like it, please tell me what you think about it. And as I'm not too good at English (from Germany), it would be great if you corrected faults in Grammar/Spelling that are not acceptable in poems. Here we go.

Clouds

I'm lying in the rain
Thinking, too weak to stand up
Or even move
My eyes are closed
Drops of water are running down my face
But is it the rain?
Or are those tears
Emerging from my eyes
Because I'm thinking of you
And I can't do anything
But cry
And look at the grey, grey sky
Clouds are hanging deep
Threatening
The sky is crying, too
But I wonder why
Because now it has got you
Thunder
A desperate cry
Coming from the sky
And I wonder why
Because now it has got you

All the rhyming at the end was not intended, but I didn't know how else to write it.
#2
huh... well I'd say that at least in the case of this poem, you lack of fluency kind of helped you. I really like the style that you had for this, which a natural speaker probably couldn't quite pull off... I dunno what it was really, I guess that all of the language was quite simple, and I liked that. Good job.

crit "Lullaby (Forgotten Child)" if you'd like. It's in my sig.
Dem Dry Bones
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#3
the style was intended like that, thanx for ur crit...

any other comments? I'd be really glad cos I wanto to do some more songwriting in the next time...
Last edited by woelkchi at Sep 30, 2006,