#1
I wont be posting a piece for a while so enjoy if you want, I'll c4c and I'll get to other peoples now. Take from this what you will, but know that every word is there for a reason as an allusion to something going on in my life. O, by the way, this is a true story


In spite of your sarcoma gaze that lingered as Formica frost,
{Her foaming fangs; the entrancing poison-fauna kiss.}
And in spite of the frail finger that grew forth of your cottonmouth froth
{The hole in her chest pocket widening; face spewing frozen bliss.}
I had made up my mind, face, overgrown breath, and I let you alone,
{She sat there in silence, the doorknob squealed, her eyes almost intent}
With only enough stuffing to feed you ?til death
{Her icy emptiness swirled glossy to quilt my abandonment.}
And only ?nough cloth to keep you in downy darkness ?til the end of steel-shoe echo.
{But she would never see me with the burning drugs she needed to thaw}
But as I walked on each bishop blessed crack of Horseman-worn fury
{And I heard her lulling voice, coaxing out allusions to ?Amen de Mariposa?}
I had to take care not to step on the backs of the butterflies
{And I saw her acting Dante in her purple lingerie}
Floating as whimsy in the coldest of air, almost completely careless
{And I stared back at her breathless as the whiney turned to neigh}
Under the hooves of holy beasts
{There she was under the hooves of holy beasts}


The Horsemen came
And swept me down a melting mountain
To apocalypse?s end
But all I got
Was the feeling that I could have
Done something
To save her
From the foaming rabid winter.

{Our frost will never thaw.}
#2
Quote by #1 synth
I wont be posting a piece for a while so enjoy if you want, I'll c4c and I'll get to other peoples now. Take from this what you will, but know that every word is there for a reason as an allusion to something going on in my life. O, by the way, this is a true story
Well, to say that every word is an allusion to your life WOULD imply that it is true.


In spite of your sarcoma gaze that lingered as Formica frost,
{Her foaming fangs; the entrancing poison-fauna kiss.}
And in spite of the frail finger that grew forth of your cottonmouth froth
{The hole in her chest pocket widening; face spewing frozen bliss.}

Nice opening here, I'm guessing that its a kindof call and answer thing? I like the vague reference to snakes with the parts of "cottonmouth" and "foaming fangs" and "poison fauna kiss".

I had made up my mind, face, overgrown breath, and I let you alone,
{She sat there in silence, the doorknob squealed, her eyes almost intent}
With only enough stuffing to feed you ?til death
{Her icy emptiness swirled glossy to quilt my abandonment.}

OKay, this verse didn't really make sense to me. Firstly, what the hell is overgrown breath? Also, the second line is very very bland, it lacks intensity. The next line, contradicts what kind of way you are writing, it seems you are changing between writing in third and second person. I suggest sticing with just one.

And only ?nough cloth to keep you in downy darkness ?til the end of steel-shoe echo.
{But she would never see me with the burning drugs she needed to thaw}
But as I walked on each bishop blessed crack of Horseman-worn fury
{And I heard her lulling voice, coaxing out allusions to ?Amen de Mariposa?}

A fairly nice recovery from the mediocre second verse, I kind of get the feeling of hypocrisy with the second line here, about the things you're doing that she needs, or wants. Now I get the changes between second and third person, but it still makes it kind of confusing.

I had to take care not to step on the backs of the butterflies
{And I saw her acting Dante in her purple lingerie}
Floating as whimsy in the coldest of air, almost completely careless
{And I stared back at her breathless as the whiney turned to neigh}
Under the hooves of holy beasts
{There she was under the hooves of holy beasts}

Good kind of line here, but I don't really get the line about Dante, because, as I understand it, he was the guy who made up the nine layers of hell, also, the last three lines were kind of confusing, but maybe im just reading them wrong.

The Horsemen came
And swept me down a melting mountain
To apocalypse?s end
But all I got
Was the feeling that I could have
Done something
To save her
From the foaming rabid winter.

This does a good job of concluding the piece, it makes the whole thing a little clearer, about how you're trying to help someone, there is one line though, (I think you did this on purpose), but "apocalypse's end" is kind of contradictory.

{Our frost will never thaw.}



I think you owe me some (or a lot of) crits, but I needed to crit this as it seems that i missed out on your last one.
#3
K, heres a hint: what I'm saying isnt in the words, the meaning behind this isnt whats in the words at all but in the abscence of words, whats not there, whats out of the ordinary, what just doesnt make any ****ing sense, so little sense in fact that its a meaning all in of itself.

Example:
{The hole in her chest pocket widening; face spewing frozen bliss.}

the whole=emptiness
the emptiness is growing
therefore the reality of her is slipping,
thereby imprinting her in frozen memory
How I would like to remember her
This also brings up if I want to remember her, to 'melt her'
or to let me sit in my ignorance.

...
meh, I dunno if this is making any sense *shrugs*

a serious thanks to you for checking this out though man, I owe you one and I'll get to your pieces soon.

#4
yes dylan, this makes perfect sense, haha, but i like getting the sense myself instead of having it explained...oh well...

btw, in case you didnt see, i changed the line in mine, about the make-shift whiskey fist so...there you are.
#5
Quote by #1 synth
I wont be posting a piece for a while so enjoy if you want, I'll c4c and I'll get to other peoples now. Take from this what you will, but know that every word is there for a reason as an allusion to something going on in my life. O, by the way, this is a true story

In spite of your sarcoma gaze that lingered as Formica frost,
{Her foaming fangs; the entrancing poison-fauna kiss.}
And in spite of the frail finger that grew forth of your cottonmouth froth
{The hole in her chest pocket widening; face spewing frozen bliss.}
I had made up my mind, face, overgrown breath, and I let you alone,
{She sat there in silence, the doorknob squealed, her eyes almost intent}
With only enough stuffing to feed you ?til death
{Her icy emptiness swirled glossy to quilt my abandonment.}
And only ?nough cloth to keep you in downy darkness ?til the end of steel-shoe echo.
{But she would never see me with the burning drugs she needed to thaw}
But as I walked on each bishop blessed crack of Horseman-worn fury
{And I heard her lulling voice, coaxing out allusions to ?Amen de Mariposa?}
I had to take care not to step on the backs of the butterflies
{And I saw her acting Dante in her purple lingerie}
Floating as whimsy in the coldest of air, almost completely careless
{And I stared back at her breathless as the whiney turned to neigh}
Under the hooves of holy beasts
{There she was under the hooves of holy beasts}

The Horsemen came
And swept me down a melting mountain
To apocalypse?s end
But all I got
Was the feeling that I could have
Done something
To save her
From the foaming rabid winter.

{Our frost will never thaw.}


Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
^ steve, quite honestly, your words weigh on me more than anyone on this forum, you are one of those people here that deserve to be writing for so much better and deserve to have your works read by the world. Thank you very much for your crit, I'll geet to yours in the morning... I'm a tid bit tipsy with pride of false accomplishment.
#7
Getting back to this, must work...........

Edit:

Ok, this was good and all that jazz, but i didn't really enjoy it...
The reason being is that you always write in this style and nearly always in this sort of structure; i can't think of a time when you haven't (personally)!

For me, i think it's not wasting your talent as such... but your not fulfilling it as much as you could; i get the feeling you could write off these kind of pieces with ease, and that isn't such a good thing.

My advice, explore my friend! Explore please! See where it takes you, and who cares if it isn't quite as good, it will be in time. It's just so much more interesting if you go on an adventure. Think of it as a gap year around the world or something.

Obviously you don't have to listen to me, but i'd like to think what i've said is valuable. I have a new one up now by the way
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Oct 1, 2006,
#8
uh... uh... I'm speachless... uh... uh... how do I say this without being a dick... uh... uh... nope, I cant... uh... what the ****ing hell are you talking about Caz! All I do is experiment!

Look at my last four things posted here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=439334
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=437209
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434740
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695

are any of those like this?!?!?!

if they are then I am severely mistaken, but in my most humblest of opinions, none of my recent stuff has been like this

This is completely reminicint of my old style, yes, that is true, such style found here... actually, no, thats not true, nothing I have ever written looks like this that much... can you point out how this is similar to what I have been doing please?

All I've been doing is experimenting! and honestly I dont know what the fvck I am doing so how can I be monotonous.
#9
I'm going to take a whack at it. My apologies if some comments are too much on the basis of convention. Also, I hope you find what you're looking for in your sabbatical - your pieces have been a delight to read, for better or worse... (Don't worry about repaying anything - I do a terrible job of it...)

First off, imagery. The bolded text of the piece seems as if a strong theme of images would best organize and control your vision in the audience's mind. You've clearly laid out a strong intention of what you want shown - however, the variations of images jostle the notion of a residual image from lodging itself in the reader's mind. Where you've focused these more deliberately in the parathetical and the conclusive passages, the bold text, which, essentially, reads somewhat as a stanza within itself, outside of the parathetical text, seems much more scattered and difficult to pin-point a singular or cohesive series of strong, evocative images. Certainly, there is variety, but it feels a little too varied.
My personal advice is to slim down the nouns - generally speaking, if your nouns are focused along a quasi-defined line, the control over imagery is exponentially more apparent. Now, there is a primal quality in the animal images - the serpent, horses (on which the Horsemen ride), and butterfly. However, if you narrow this wide category, you can also infer weight - that is, you have a serpent and horses, specifically those of the Horsemen, which would seem to directly point to an over-arching Biblical/archetypal theme. Futhermore, this plays right into the existent text - it heightens Dante, it heightens the apocalypse, and it provides immediate connotative gravity. To reiterate - the implications are not to edit meaning, but the provide a cohesive subtext in the imagery, thereby allowing your audience to better focus on the images at hand - a cure for poetic ADD, if you will.

For some reason, I want a more... intense tone. It seems as if you're befuddled as an author, but didn't want it to appear quite that way as a speaker, so tried to find some sort of middle ground, but didn't slip into that grey-space niche quite as neatly as hoped for. I mean, put spot-on, "over-zealous diction" most often requests, at the least, a fervent tone. Your images are strong, the structure is this definite, slow-moving thing that plays out each and every word - however, your tone seems to lag behind. Now, I'm supposing you're saying, "huh? If the diction's there and the images are there, then how does the tone lag?" There's several of these situations:
"Done something
To save her"
These rip open a big can of ambiguity of the degree of emotion, and swallow it quicker than you can say, "more ovaltine, please". So, check for weak phrases.

Structure and flow are awkward. I suppose that is a product of trying to cram content into each word... so, I'm not going to hammer on this on - because it's not overly distracting... it's just a little clunky.

Subjectively? Not bad. It's got a solid message - I think it's a little untidied stream-of-conscious at times with the delivery, but it's relatively solid...
#10
Ok then Dylan, i think (other than my cold) it was in the first stanza and how it has the bold line then bracketed line; that just seemed so familiar with you. Pah, i don't know really, that's the sort of feeling i got at the time, and to be honest i thought it would be a lot more beneficial to you if i wrote my thoughts of the time rather than drawl on about it's quality. Wouldn't you agree??

Anyway, sorry to have sounded a bit dodgy and unexplained but that's the first thing that struck me from the first paragraph. Also, you have written OTS after OTs and all i meant was it would be interesting to do some really short pieces, some songs and more things of the like. It wasn't a criticism as such, more a suggestion; fair doos?

Edit: Don't get me wrong, i do love your writing.
#11
wassup, my #1 synth? hey, i loved this, your writing is about as close to flawless as it gets. Your words beautifully floed through as i read it, as they always do.
Um as for the meaning, i have no chance at getting any of your stuff... thats good though... but it seems to get a little clearer with the small explanation you gave.
I loved it though, amzing one again

Oh and i think Caz is kinda right... id love to see a song from you... dont get mad at us... your writing is always original and different, but how bout a little song or something?...

Hey may latest is in my sig if you are so kind...
#12


sorry to have been so defensive Caz, i completely agree. However i have recently been getting over a cold myself so I'm kinda being a tid bit pissy

I dont post my songs here though, I just dont do it... but If you guys really want me to post one of my songs I'll do it...

And ya, I could definitely post some non-OTS things but wheres the fun in that?


"Pah, i don't know really, that's the sort of feeling i got at the time, and to be honest i thought it would be a lot more beneficial to you if i wrote my thoughts of the time rather than drawl on about it's quality. Wouldn't you agree??"
I completely agree. Again, I apoligize.

much Caz and AS and especially Parabotheo.


I love parabotheo.