#1
Second time I've posted this, probably was one of my most popular songs..

Would like some new opinions on this, all comments welcome and critiques will be gratefully returned if you leave me a link.

Enjoy



Woah
A virgin side to you,
Another different side to you,
I feel you're slightly more complex than
An exaggerated chain of command

And Woah
A virgin side to you,
A completely crazy manic side to you,
I feel you've got plenty more faces than
A mathmatically correct dodecahedron

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do,
Take my hand and
Take my hands,
I know just what to do

Woah, I feel so much better, so much better and
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

So clean Oh So Clean

Christ
An excited side of you,
More or less I'm now addicted to you,
I'm seeing you so much, much more often than
An everyday regular face to the barman

Woah
A virgin side to you,
An atomic explosion from my point of view,
It's harder to find a free NHS hospital bed than
Holding eye contact as is your attention span

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do,
Take my hand and
Take my hands,
I know just what to do,

Woah, I feel so much better, so much better
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

Go go go
Well it's all systems go,
Don't mention the tension
Think of the girl

(It's all) Go go go
Well It's all systems go yeh,
Released apprehension
A lifetime extension

Woah, I feel so much better, so much better and
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream
You've come clean; It's a dream
#3
Did i crit this before? (I'll edit in a critique if you like)

Edit: Ok, looked kinda famililiar... ah well.

Quote by Jammydude44
Second time I've posted this, probably was one of my most popular songs..

Would like some new opinions on this, all comments welcome and critiques will be gratefully returned if you leave me a link.

Enjoy



Woah
A virgin side to you,
Another different side to you,
I feel you're slightly more complex than
An exaggerated chain of command
I like this little ditty, sounds great.
And Woah
A virgin side to you,
A completely crazy manic side to you,
I feel you've got plenty more faces than
A mathmatically correct dodecahedron
I'd add a "another" into that 2nd line of yours for a bit of variety. Also i don't like that last line; it's very awkward sounding.
You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do,
Take my hand and
Take my hands,
I know just what to do
Hmm.... not a big fan to be honest, pretty cliched and well... you're too good for this stanza quite frankly!
Woah, I feel so much better, so much better and
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah
Doesn't read as well as it would sound.
So clean Oh So Clean

Christ
An excited side of you,
More or less I'm now addicted to you,
I'm seeing you so much, much more often than
An everyday regular face to the barman
Hmm, not too bad.
Woah
A virgin side to you,
An atomic explosion from my point of view,
It's harder to find a free NHS hospital bed than
Holding eye contact as is your attention span
Awesomeness, although that last line is a wee bit awkward again.
You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do,
Take my hand and
Take my hands,
I know just what to do,

Woah, I feel so much better, so much better
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

Go go go
Well it's all systems go,
Don't mention the tension
Think of the girl
Ok.
(It's all) Go go go
Well It's all systems go yeh,
Released apprehension
A lifetime extension
Ok.
Woah, I feel so much better, so much better and
Now, You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah, I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now, You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream
You've come clean; It's a dream


I get the feeling you've dumbed down with your lyrics in comparison to your poetry and that's dissapointing.

Ah well, wasn't bad at all, had some very god content, just not enough i reckon mate.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Oct 1, 2006,
#4
No. No you did not. And I will get to your full one you posted, hopefully tomorow when I have more time.

Jamie


EDIT: Cheers Caz, you probably have read this but didn't critique it, I have posted it before, just wanted some new responses, a very early pieces of mine here.


Also, when I first posted it, I said that if the syllable count goes OTT, imagine th singer getting more animated, it's a energetic piece.

Once again, cheers, I will make sure I get to yours soon.

Jamie
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Oct 1, 2006,